The Trap of Perfection

In my opinion, perfection is highly overrated.  It assumes that a comparison must be made of someone or something – a personal value judgment.  Perfection also implies a judgment of ultimate success or ultimate failure.  Take a moment and define perfection. Does your definition include both positive and negative descriptors (ex. what is and is NOT perfect)? There are many downsides when perfection becomes the goal!   Frequently these downsides are not in our conscious awareness.  This post will explore some of the potentially hidden pitfalls in the quest for perfection and the negative effects they can have on our self-worth and happiness.

The quest to either become perfect or secure the perfect mate, career, physique or even golf swing can be a solitary process.  Often the sheer dedication and focus required in pursuit of perfection promotes isolation. Perfecting any specialized technique, whether it is a three-point shot or a pirouette often demands hours of focused activity.  The sacrifice is social connectedness. Frequently outsiders represent distraction rather than support.   If you happen to be shy or a bit insecure, it is a great way to justify why you need to remain alone. 

The obvious downside to this cover-up is that as an individual you deny yourself the opportunity to challenge your fears or insecurities.  For instance, overcoming shyness or timidity requires practice in various social situations. Isolating to perfect you obviously limits opportunities to develop social confidence.  So what happens when an individual believes they have perfected whatever technique they set out to master? Self-confidence often rises!  However, confidence does not always erase social insecurity and it also does not generate instant friendships. Why?  While focusing on the process of perfection, little if any energy was spent either in creating new or nourishing existing friendships.  So when seeking to celebrate their new found confidence and their perfect technique, this individual may unfortunately remain a party of one. 

The second downside to this particular cover-up is once again based on a relative value judgment.  If you are engaged in the solitary pursuit of perfection, how do you know whether your idea of perfect aligns with someone else’s?  Observing the behaviors of similarly talented individuals can be a great comparative tool, but when do you incorporate outsiders into your quest? Sooner than later would be ideal!  An individual may have attained their personal best, yet may not be able to compete among an equally talented peer group.  This could be a two-fold blow to self-confidence with the realization that: (1) your personal best was not regarded as perfect and (2) the time spent in isolation did not produce the anticipated benefits (acceptance, happiness or popularity).  For example, while you may now have a perfect physique, the attention you imagined you’d receive is not happening in the real world.  The result may be disillusionment and bitterness.  Neither of those energies attracts the type of positive attention you imagined, and again you remain alone.

In the context of personal relationships, seeking perfection may cleverly mask deeper commitment issues.  There is a vast difference between holding fast to personal standards and finding fault with every potential mate while “holding out” for Mr. or Ms. Perfect.  If you find that no one ever measures up: (1) your standards for perfection may be unrealistic; (2) you may be over-estimating your own personal value; or (3) you are unwilling to commit, period. Perfectionists impose far too many rules on themselves and these rules unfortunately spill over onto others.  Rarely will anyone live up to the perfectionist’s fantasy of possibilities. 

One of the many faulty assumptions of perfectionism is that if an individual obeys the rules, then they deserve the long awaited reward (happiness, marriage, wealth, success). Often despite securing the perfect mate or job they are dissatisfied and only marginally happy.  How can this be? The simple answer is that reality rarely measures up to our fantasies.  Perfection is a product of our imagination, our personal beliefs and the norms we learned within our families. It is colored by our personal life experiences and therefore no two definitions are exactly alike. 

The obvious impact of this cover-up is self-imposed chronic isolation!  It can also create a pseudo superiority that masks either an individual’s fear of commitment or simply a lack of desire to commit to anyone.  In both instances the potential mate has been set up for failure – missing the mark of perfection. This is a lose-lose proposition: (1) the self-esteem of the potential mate takes a hit based upon the perceived rejection, and (2) the perfectionist is allowed to avoid taking responsibility for their own commitment issues while focusing on the flaws of the potential mate.  In time, this emotional manipulation may be disguised as a quest for perfection.  

So far we have seen that the pursuit of perfection often backfires and may actually result in a decline in self-esteem, limit potential happiness and promote social isolation.  Yet when many individuals set out to perfect some aspect of themselves, they expect to feel quite the opposite – bountiful happiness, increased confidence and social acceptance.  As adults we are capable of challenging this faulty thinking with the guidance of a mental health professional.  What about our children?

Examine how you may be perpetuating the misguided notion that perfection is the only valuable performance goal.  Reduce the frequency of your use of the word perfect.  How many events, behaviors, grades and performances can be perfect?  Again, overuse of this term sets up unrealistic expectations for our children!  It can actually negate the small victories that drive sustained motivation towards the bigger goal.  It also may lead to a rigidly structured life that over-emphasizes the value of delayed gratification and cements a pattern of chronic disappointment when the rewards are finally granted.  Protect your children from these unnecessary assaults to their self-esteem. Teach them to celebrate each step that is completed towards the larger goal. Reinforce their uniqueness but refrain from idolizing them as perfect.

I believe that our goal both as adults and parents needs to be balance – strive to give your personal best and create meaningful relationships.  Also develop a conscious awareness and acceptance of your vulnerabilities without judging them.  That is a much more attainable goal than the illusion of perfection! 

Is Dating a Game?

Relationship success has become a high stakes industry. This industry represents a diversity of professionals yet it lacks specific criteria for education, professional conduct and personal experience. All forms of media, coaches and experts alike believe they found the solutions to your loneliness. There are numerous television shows whose entire focus is matchmaking: for millionaires, bachelors and bachelorettes. Love happens while surviving on an island in the South Pacific, as well as racing across the globe and even while competing in a fierce battle to lose weight and become healthy. Viewers are left wondering why their quest for a mate is so difficult when it seems so easy on television.

That raises an important question and the basis of this post: Is dating a game? If so, are there specific rules and winners and losers? Are relationships games as well? If not, how do they differ?

If the goal is meeting your soul mate, then dating presents a platform to discover potential partners. Assuming that both individuals share this common goal, often the approach is more deliberate than casual dating. So what are the parameters of a deliberate approach? Are there secrets that once revealed will minimize the heartache that results from incompatibility? Are there really systematic processes that, if followed, will guarantee a proposal within a year of dating? 

Let’s begin with a brief synopsis of the self-help section on dating/relationships. Here is where many singles begin their search for answers. A quick survey reveals two themes among male authors: instructing women how to catch a man (is that similar to catching a fish?) or a more serious topic of what qualities identify a woman as a keeper (sorry, another fishing metaphor). There are so many conflicting suggestions! “Why Men Marry B*#&*$@” and apparently, why they also fall in love with them. Then there are books/podcasts/videos written by self-proclaimed bad boys serving as both a warning and an enticement. After following the steps (aka traps) and attending a very pricey seminar, you too will catch your own bad boy and ride off into the sunset on his chopper. Finally, there are the male relationship coaches turned authors, who claim that there are essentially three qualities that you must possess for a man to commit to you (i.e., “you become a keeper”). Really? It only takes a year subscription and a few seminars to suddenly possess these qualities? If only it was that simple!

Next is a category for women by women. I will make a very simplified distinction of subsets within this category: (1) Love yourself the way you are and love magically follows; (2) Change yourself (diet, exercise, plastic surgery) then love magically follows; and (3) Commit based purely upon his assets and/or potential access to those assets and who cares if love follows. The operative word in the first two subsets is magically. While love may feel magical, it is not magically bestowed upon you; dating is relationship building and that involves compromise and a personal commitment to growth. If it were a simple process this industry would not enjoy such success!

Are all of these how to strategies without merit? Absolutely not! Many of them make solid points but lose their validity by overpromising success. As a consumer, I would be very wary of taking relationship advice from a professional who has not yet experienced a successful relationship. That being said, I have not found one source that provides a comprehensive strategy that I would endorse in my practice. Why? Quite simply, one size does not fit all. 

Again, dating and relationships are not without challenges! They were not simple as teenagers and they certainly become more complicated as we re-emerge as adults. Unresolved pain we carry into a new dating experience and/or potential relationship increases the likelihood of disappointment and eventual heartache. No book, video or podcast can guide you through the process of self-awareness and eventual healing. That is a process that requires commitment and consistent effort. 

Equally relevant is the faulty belief that we are “perfect” and the right mate will recognize that. I agree that the essence of our personalities needs to be appreciated! But make no mistake: acknowledging that we have much to offer a potential mate does not constitute a free pass to forego ongoing improvement and maintenance of our intellect, our emotional stability, our appearance, our social skills and our overall health. The laws of attraction assert that interesting individuals attract interesting individuals! 

My original question was whether dating is a game. It very well may be if that is your choice. Base your decision on an honest evaluation of your motives. If you then choose to view dating as a game, seeking advice from experts who attempt to positively impact your relationship potential would be an unproductive endeavor.

However, if you are seriously seeking a relationship and have not been able to connect, here are a few suggestions: (1) Consider stepping away from the dating scene for a while; (2) Get into a professional relationship with a psychologist and explore your emotional barriers. Heal from your past relationships. Bolster your self-confidence by getting to know yourself better; (3) Give the self-help materials a well-deserved break. At some point they become overwhelming! (4) Get healthy: try a new sport or hobby because it interests you; and (5) Learn to feel comfortable being alone: Once you like that person, others will be drawn to you as well. 

From my perspective, dating can be fun without making it a game. While love is never a game, the journey needs to be fun! Listen to your heart, do the work to make yourself the best possible you, consider it an adventure rather than your life's mission, and never give up hope!

Fear of Intimacy

You are in a relationship that appears to be everything that you have ever wanted. As the intensity of the commitment builds and the future seems inevitable, your mate changes the game plan. Do you find yourself wracking your brain and your heart wondering whether you are to blame? Do you feel you have been deceived? Do the events appear senseless? You may very well be involved or have been involved with someone who fears intimacy.

For the purpose of this commentary, intimacy covers a broad spectrum of emotionally connected behaviors that require an individual to experience vulnerability. This could mean the sharing of deeply held feelings, sexual experiences, and/or dreams, hopes, fears, and ambitions. This fear is often characterized by avoidance and withdrawal. Initially it is often masked not only from the partner but the individual as well.

Fears of intimacy most generally do not surface until a relationship becomes meaningful and the threat of loss cannot be denied. That is why it appears to the partner to have come out of nowhere. There are some common behaviors that may indicate that your partner may be experiencing a fear of intimacy. Do they exhibit a pattern of seemingly noble intent yet when the time comes to act on their plans there seems to be delays, withdrawal, or avoidance? When engaged in a disagreement, do they avoid engaging citing fatigue, stress, or overwork as the reasons? Do they vow to address the issues tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes? Do they rely on habitual behaviors that result in disengagement from you such as overworking, substance use, television, the internet, or video games? Have hobbies been replaced with solitary pursuits? Has conversation become superficial or repetitious? Has sexual intimacy waned or become mechanical? Are you left feeling empty after an encounter that was historically filled with wonder and excitement? In other words, is the connectivity missing?

Fears of intimacy are generated from an individual's early attachment to their parent. Parents who withheld love and affection, were harshly critical, abusive, or ambivalent set the gears in motion for their child to internalize the negative dialogues that were directed at them. With prolonged exposure, these voices become a part of the self image and lie dormant until a person experiences true love and positive regard from their mate. The love that the person has longed for their entire life now competes with the internal negativity that has become a part of their identity.

The anxiety that is generated from feeling love and acceptance often causes the individual who fears intimacy to withdraw into themselves or actively engage in behaviors that sabotage their chance to truly feel secure. They push away the very person who respects and loves them for who they are, a fundamental longing of healthy individuals.

Fear of intimacy is best addressed within the context of individual and couples therapy. It is not a condition that generally improves without a deep exploration of the primary relationships of the individual beginning with their parents. The partners of these individuals would also benefit from therapy to understand and adopt personal boundaries to protect their own self image. Loving a person more or better or differently is not the answer. In fact, it merely recharges the cycle.