When the Child Becomes the Parent

At some point in our lives, the majority of us experience a role reversal for which we are neither mentally nor emotionally prepared: caring for elderly parents. Adding insult to this injury, the majority of us also lack the practical knowledge that could assist us in easing into this transition, which further delays and complicates our ability to process its emotional impact. How, as a generation that has prided itself on an ability to multitask, did this life stage so significantly blindside us?

The answer is simple – management of our own lives is often so overwhelming that the reality of adding another significant responsibility can be incomprehensible! There is no perfect time for our parents to become our children, and yet it frequently parallels the added responsibilities we assume during our children’s high school or early college years. Unless our parents decline rapidly, we defer decision making about them until there is more time or when the kids leave, or when we retire. Rarely is their decline convenient, predictable or capable of being deferred.

Having lived through this experience twice myself, as well as assisting many of my clients through this journey, be comforted in knowing that eventually the logistics straighten out…. until our parents’ decline once again gains momentum. With each stage of decline we hone our assertiveness skills, our facility in navigating the red tape of multiple helping agencies and resign to solicit help while attempting to assuage our guilt. From the practical perspective, living through this experience often propels us to plan for our eventual demise, sparing yet another generation of children from that particular burden.

Logistics aside, a child becoming the parent to their parent challenges our primary mental framework and defies our sense of life’s order. Regardless of our emotional connection to our parents we believe that parents are adults: strong, capable and healthy. They are not allowed to be children. Few of us were raised with stories that challenged the security of this concept. That is why it is possible to ignore little indicators (repeating stories, memory slippage, trouble finding the words to convey their thoughts and even getting lost) because we can rationalize those events as isolated occurrences. On some meta-level we believe that parents are invincible. To witness evidence to the contrary often creates a significant dissonance between what we see and what we believe. In this instance denial becomes our partner. It isn’t until our parents’ cognitive decline becomes more blatant or is accompanied by a physical illness, a fall, or recurrent hospitalizations do the pieces come together, forcing us to confront this reality.

Even when we eventually make this cognitive adjustment, our parents may not be like-minded. Often they stubbornly refuse to relinquish their roles gracefully, causing our logic and their reasoning to lack synergy. Interactions at this stage may be laced with hostility as power struggles between the parents’ resistance to relinquish their independence versus the adult child’s assumption of the more supervisory parental role escalates. For the adult child life with mom or dad often mirrors their own daily life with their children. The adult child is truly sandwiched between two generations that may seem to demand equal doses of attention but respond with little gratitude. 


Stay tuned….. Tomorrow I will discuss the emotional impact of this transition!!

The Power of Should

Do you find yourself engaged in an internal dialogue that sounds something like: “I should (fill in the blank)?” If so, is your should list accomplished to your satisfaction, or is it a combination of years of seemingly important actions that have yet to take place?

The self-talk attached to feeling unable to accomplish the things we feel we should be able to accomplish is a direct assault on our self-esteem. Why? Simply stated, because as children we were taught right from wrong, in other words, what we should or should not do. Often, the bulk of these “shoulds" were NOT a source of debate - but an expectation. Failure and/or undesirable consequences were often connected with our inability to follow these rules. These rules of conduct were internalized by our psyches as an integral component in the formation of our conscience.

To become an emotionally mature and independent individual we need to identify the shoulds in our lives, question their ongoing applicability to our current life and either discard them as archaic, or “own” them as a component of our adult identity.

To discard or own… THAT is the question. An approach that has proven successful in my practice has been a three-prong approach of identification, challenge, and then rewording the core belief if applicable. Begin by keeping a running list of the shoulds that you either articulate to others or keep batting about within your mind. Step two is to challenge each line item with why should I? For instance if one of your shoulds is: “ I should make my bed every morning.” Ask yourself why should I make my bed every morning? If the answer is this is not my priority, then discard that should. If you do believe making your bed is important, then drop the should mandate and replace it with either need or want. Both of these words reinforce not only ownership, but also priority.

Ultimately what you have accomplished in this process is another aspect of individuating – taking responsibility for your actions not because you were told to but because you made a conscious choice as an adult. You can expect that your resolutions will have greater traction because they are yours rather than someone else’s that should be your priority.

This concept is also very applicable in the professional arena. How about your conversations with your direct reports, your fellow managers, and your peers? Do you find yourself telling them what they should do? Are their responses positive and proactive? How is this approach working for you?

Should is a word that is laced with undertones of incompetence and judgment. To the receiver of the should it can be seen either as a challenge to exceed expectations to prove competence or rebellion to reinforce personal autonomy. This one word may inadvertently push buttons from childhood in the recipient that actually promotes dissension not motivation. If ownership and buy-in is your goal, try substituting should with need and/or want. Notice if there is a shift in morale and higher productivity. I predict that you will optimize your ability to inspire a sense of renewed commitment and cooperation that will improve your bottom-line.

These steps in taking ownership of your shoulds may appear to be quick and easy - but execution is sometimes complicated by your early life experiences. If you feel challenged by this transition, reach out to a licensed psychologist for assistance rather than continuing to tell yourself: “I SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHANGE ON MY OWN.”

Great Changes Are Happening In My Life...So Where's My Mojo?

One of the most frequently asked questions in my practice centers around the notion that a positive life transition must be continually met with happiness and enthusiasm. This is an interesting phenomenon that deserves some clarification.

The media often portrays only the positive emotions related to major life transitions such as pursuing a degree, leaving our parent’s home as a young adult, receiving that much anticipated promotion or corner office, marriage and even retirement. There is often the inference that if you are not feeling similarly then you must lack self-confidence, charisma or even worse, must be suffering from depression. Why? because dichotomous thoughts and feelings don’t sell the new wardrobe, the prestigious vehicle, or the sexy vacation that a major life transition promises to afford.

What is seldom discussed is that all change requires not only our bodies but our psyches time to recalibrate. The equilibrium of what was “normal” is temporarily thrown off course. The stress attached to recalibration may cause our immune systems to weaken and despite proper self care target us for minor colds and flus precisely when we often feel motivated to “go the distance.”

Our psyches (thoughts and feelings) must also find a new set point. Regardless of the positive nature of the change, there is loss. Why? Our sense of the predictability of our world is temporarily thrown into a spin cycle. One change in our routines often brings a cascade effect of other unimagined changes. We need to redefine, sometimes in a major way, sometimes in a minor way, our new “normal.” We require time to grieve the losses that accompany this marvelous change. It is okay and even necessary to reconsider our choice, feel less confident and possibly more anxious for a reasonable amount of time. If there are many changes that result from a career change for instance, the longer it may take to regain a true sense of confidence and excitement.

In this instance grief does not equal depression. If a person denies this temporary internal conflict between thoughts, feelings, and motivation it may possibly manifest down the road as depression. That is why it is important to recognize and label these feelings as grief and this transition as a recalibration. Unfortunately, high achievers often just push themselves harder, longer and faster when this is an appropriate time to conserve your resources and allow yourself some time to grieve the chapters that have closed in anticipation of new beginnings.

If those around you are merely focused on the positive potential of your change, it may be a wise investment of your time and resources to seek some professional guidance to effectively work through the recalibration phase. This is one instance when proactive intervention can make the difference between grief as a reaction to life versus grief that left unattended morphs into depression.