Are Children Who Underachieve Lazy? - Part Three

This post will discuss what may happen once you decide to contact a private practice clinical psychologist to conduct your child’s assessment.  I will also share with you some final thoughts on this topic.

Contacting a Psychologist:

As stated above, a licensed clinical psychologist can offer your child comprehensive educational and psychological testing in one setting.  When researching psychologists, I would advise you to conduct a brief phone interview prior to scheduling an appointment.  Relevant information to assist in your decision making would include areas of expertise, availability, who conducts the actual testing, interpretation, and report writing, approximate number of face-to-face hours required, and turn around time.  Ultimately, note your level of comfort during the call.  Does this person seem like they could be a “good fit” for your child?

The next step is generally a consultation, also known as an intake.  There is no hard and fast rule regarding this step. The purpose is to gather all relevant history.  In my practice I prefer to have the parents alone during this session so that they feel free to openly discuss any sensitive issues that may be relevant to the testing but not appropriate for their child to hear.  I ask parents to bring with them report cards, any previous testing, and samples of their child’s artwork and completed spelling and math assignments.  This session serves as a framework for test selection, duration of sessions and approximate costs.  Some psychologists would prefer that the child is present at this point.  You should decide which option feels most comfortable to you.

The pace of the testing sessions is based upon the child’s ability, stamina, and focus.The goal of testing is to explore your child’s strengths as well as weaknesses; therefore sensitivity to their threshold of fatigue is essential. Often testing is conducted over several sessions.  In my practice, I personally administer all the tests, interpret the results and write the report.  If a psychologist employs graduate level interns, they may conduct the assessment under the psychologist’s supervision.

A basic comprehensive assessment will include tests of cognitive functioning, academic as well as neurological and psychological screening. Based upon initial screenings, more extensive neurological and psychological assessment may be included.  Once testing is completed, a comprehensive written report is provided to the parent that includes all test results, interpretations of those results, any relevant diagnoses, and relevant treatment recommendations.  At the parent’s discretion, these results may be shared with their child’s pediatrician, the school, and/or their child’s therapist.

Cost:

An assessment is an investment for your child’s future academic and personal success. Each assessment is designed to uncover probable explanations for your specific concerns.  They may be cognitive in nature such as how information is learned and retained, or possibly achievement – at what grade level is your child performing?  Perhaps psychological issues like the impact of family stressors are impacting focus and attention.  Frequently it is a combination of factors that require evaluation.  Therefore, the cost may range from $500 to $4000 depending on the complexity of the assessment.  Costs are generally determined by the amount of time the assessor spends reviewing relevant documents, administrating, scoring and interpreting the tests, as well as treatment recommendations and report writing. 

Conclusion:

Ultimately the decision to label your child as lazy is yours to make.  Whether underachievement is due to psychological issues and exhibited as oppositional behaviors, or masking an underlying learning deficit or even giftedness on which side would you prefer to error?  I continue to assert that laziness is a manifestation of resignation.  As a parent I would want to know from where it originates.

As you know I am a licensed clinical and consulting psychologist. One of my areas of specialty is assessment.  I am passionate about every step in the process.  If you would like to schedule a consultation on behalf of yourself or your child, feel free to contact me through my blog.  It is completely confidential. 

The Importance of a Shared Vision in Relationships

In “ The Gambler” Kenny Rogers sings know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.  Kenny references poker but the statement is equally salient regarding relationships.  There is a time when the admirable traits of commitment and perseverance can become misdirected into unhealthy dependence and sheer stubbornness.  If you feel confused about when to hold on versus when to let go you are not alone!

Perhaps your confusion is justified because timing is not the primary concern when determining the viability of your relationship.  Isn’t the true question what are you holding onto?  I believe a fundamental component of a healthy relationship is a shared vision.  It personifies not only the couple’s identity but also their values.  This post explores the dynamic quality of a shared vision as well as the deleterious effects if and when the vision ceases to be shared.

When two individuals become a couple they share a vision of how their relationship will be defined as well as its ultimate goal.  These would include dreams, values, hopes and wishes as well as ground rules for behaviors such as fidelity and honesty.  Mutual agreement constitutes the contract or code of conduct for the relationship.  The most favorable approach would be to openly discuss expectations as well as boundaries early in the relationship. Failing to discuss expectations can lead to possibly erroneous assumptions that could later significantly jeopardize a potentially healthy relationship.

A shared vision is refined throughout the course of the relationship, but it must remain MUTUAL.  Wise relationship maintenance involves periodically revisiting the current vision.  If either person notices differences that did not previously exist, this may indicate at the very least a misinterpretation of the vision or, more significantly, a deviation in the level of investment.  If a couple cannot reach a shared understanding as to a perceived change in their vision, then at that point it may be a wise investment of time and resources to speak to a trained professional. If either refuses…HUGE RED FLAG!

When there is a breakdown in the vision additional red flags may become evident.  Often they serve as a mechanism to either avoid the reality of the difference, draw attention to the difference, or force a shown down. 

Avoiding the reality of a differing vision is often observed in a marked change in communication patterns that illustrate a shift in priorities.  The general theme is a move away from spontaneity and toward orchestration.  Calls go to voice mail, text message replies are delayed and there may be more promises made but they are not realized.  There may also be an increasing pattern of what I call “legitimate amnesia.”  Significant events the couple once celebrated are either denied as being important or completely dismissed due to unavoidable professional, familial, recreational, or educational commitments.  Often it is highlighted by an overall disinterest in compromise and seemingly a disregard for their partner’s feelings.

In reaction to these avoidant behaviors, the other partner may engage in behaviors that draw attention to their perception of a shift in the couple’s vision.  If there has been a misinterpretation of the vision, this approach may be successful.  However, if the avoidance was intentional, the likelihood for increasingly hostile responses from the avoidant partner is magnified; especially during conversations that may address these concerns.  The scenario may look like this: Partner one repeats either the need to talk or weaves this observed difference in vision into benign conversations. Partner two accuses partner one of intentionally nagging, picking, or belittling.  Partner two then limits interactions or, while engaging, becomes busy at the precise time a significant discussion begins. Partner one feels isolated, lonely and/or misunderstood.

By default, new guidelines for communication have been established.   Range of acceptable topics may become narrower as well as less detailed. Emotion is not tolerated.  Spontaneity and depth are replaced with superficiality and boredom.  At this point in the relationship, the partner who is not content with fostering continued denial might levy ultimatums in a final attempt to draw attention to the severity of the state of the relationship and the deterioration of the shared vision.

The final straw may occur when either partner least expects it.  Frequently it is over something trivial that has become the depository for ongoing pain and frustration.  It isn’t about taking out the trash, or programming the sprinklers or feeding the pets.  Know that these critical events rarely “come out of the blue.” This pattern of indirectly confronting difference or change is unhealthy.  If this situation is not an isolated incident, seek out couple’s therapy.  Do not assume that this is merely a communication issue!  Most likely there are issues involving respect and power within this relationship that actually predate your relationship.

In conclusion, be willing to compromise regarding the details of your shared vision.  Be considerate of your partner’s individuality in executing the vision. If there was a mutually stated goal of forever, exercise the tenacity to work out the details.  Be willing to compromise and renegotiate the vision as long as your identity is not sacrificed in this process. 

However, when it becomes clear to you as the partner that the vision has shifted, do not hesitate to initiate discussion and if indicated solicit professional support.  If you are met with refusal or half hearted commitment, take action to prevent further heartache to both partners.   It is virtually impossible to be the sole keeper of an obsolete shared vision and remain emotionally healthy!  If you find yourself in this situation, have the courage to know that perhaps now is precisely when to fold ‘em.

Great Changes Are Happening In My Life...So Where's My Mojo?

One of the most frequently asked questions in my practice centers around the notion that a positive life transition must be continually met with happiness and enthusiasm. This is an interesting phenomenon that deserves some clarification.

The media often portrays only the positive emotions related to major life transitions such as pursuing a degree, leaving our parent’s home as a young adult, receiving that much anticipated promotion or corner office, marriage and even retirement. There is often the inference that if you are not feeling similarly then you must lack self-confidence, charisma or even worse, must be suffering from depression. Why? because dichotomous thoughts and feelings don’t sell the new wardrobe, the prestigious vehicle, or the sexy vacation that a major life transition promises to afford.

What is seldom discussed is that all change requires not only our bodies but our psyches time to recalibrate. The equilibrium of what was “normal” is temporarily thrown off course. The stress attached to recalibration may cause our immune systems to weaken and despite proper self care target us for minor colds and flus precisely when we often feel motivated to “go the distance.”

Our psyches (thoughts and feelings) must also find a new set point. Regardless of the positive nature of the change, there is loss. Why? Our sense of the predictability of our world is temporarily thrown into a spin cycle. One change in our routines often brings a cascade effect of other unimagined changes. We need to redefine, sometimes in a major way, sometimes in a minor way, our new “normal.” We require time to grieve the losses that accompany this marvelous change. It is okay and even necessary to reconsider our choice, feel less confident and possibly more anxious for a reasonable amount of time. If there are many changes that result from a career change for instance, the longer it may take to regain a true sense of confidence and excitement.

In this instance grief does not equal depression. If a person denies this temporary internal conflict between thoughts, feelings, and motivation it may possibly manifest down the road as depression. That is why it is important to recognize and label these feelings as grief and this transition as a recalibration. Unfortunately, high achievers often just push themselves harder, longer and faster when this is an appropriate time to conserve your resources and allow yourself some time to grieve the chapters that have closed in anticipation of new beginnings.

If those around you are merely focused on the positive potential of your change, it may be a wise investment of your time and resources to seek some professional guidance to effectively work through the recalibration phase. This is one instance when proactive intervention can make the difference between grief as a reaction to life versus grief that left unattended morphs into depression.