Life Lessons From March Madness

Since last Thursday many of us have been glued to our televisions, our computers and our brackets engaged in the cultural phenomenon known as March Madness.  Why?  I believe that we watch for very personal reasons – a love of collegiate sports, reliving dreams of our long lost youth, the excitement of competition, a social outlet and a renewed connection to regional loyalty.  This post will discuss some parallels between the underpinnings of March Madness and life transitions.  Hopefully it will add yet another dimension to your viewing experience, and if you have not yet become a fan, will encourage you to pick up the remote as the Sweet 16 is fast approaching!

An overwhelming concern of many of my clients in mid-life (40-50’s) is an absence of passion in their lives.  Their dreams have been realized; established and loving relationships, successful careers and nearly grown children. They are floundering about the next step.   Many cannot identify the last time they felt passion about anything. A lack of passion is also an overwhelming concern of my emerging adult (19-24) clients.  Their struggle differs in that they worry whether they will ever feel passion.  Their journey is about initial discovery, the mid-lifers is about rediscovery. 

 

Let’s look at the players on any team in the NCAA tournament.  Certainly they possess immense technical talent, the benefits of world class coaching, equally talented teammates and a love of basketball.  That being said each and every day teams with significantly lower seeds upset teams considered to be more elite.  Bad luck or poor calls by the refs cannot be the only explanations for the upsets.  One could contend that the lower seeds experience less performance anxiety because they enter the game as underdogs.  Therefore, they are less cautious and so are less likely to make errors based upon nerves.  I would suggest that teams are equally matched in the areas of felt anxiety and the resultant adrenaline rush when engaged in a heated battle.

The agony of defeat is also equally felt regardless of the seed, especially in a one or two point game.  When the higher seed loses, there is a sense of disbelief and embarrassment.  The lower seeds although disappointed, expected that outcome. However, I have observed a visible difference in the thrill of victory demonstrated by the underdog turned victor.  Their victories represent a dream realized rather than an expected stepping-stone to the playoffs.  I would like to suggest that March Madness undisputedly exemplifies the magical power of dreams! Dreams fuel the passion that drives the discipline and tenacity required to make them a reality.  Initially, the lower seeded teams feel victorious just to be asked to the dance whereas the higher seeded teams expect the invitation.  Their expectation is winning it all.  The difference is that the lower seeded teams enter tournament play hungry for a victory.  Temple led into the final seconds of the game, as did Iowa State, Butler and CAL.  Often when their dreams neared reality, high anxiety set in and their games faltered.

In adulthood we often become our own worst enemy.  We become so involved in leaping over the next steppingstone to success that we frequently forget to dream. A life without passion is a life without dreams to fuel the emotions.  We forget how it feels to hunger for the seemingly unattainable.  Based upon our successes, we expect to excel and therefore the anxiety that keeps us alert and productive often wanes.

The emerging adult so fears the embarrassment of the “missed shot” that they convince themselves that “shooting” is overrated.  That precludes them from ever being invited to the dance because they do not enlist the discipline required to prove the technical competence that would ensure an invitation.

Many authors are now focused on effective teamwork as the pivotal lessons learned from March Madness that need to be applied to the corporate arena.  I believe that long before focusing on teamwork, disruptive innovative thought that morphs from dreams and its concomitant passion needs to be harnessed.  A team without a mutual goal is merely a set of individual superstars. 

 

To my clients, present or potential, I challenge you to pick up your remotes and witness the possibility of dreams coming true.  The players’ passions are contagious, their tenacity inspiring and their emotions are laid bare on the court.  Allow yourselves the opportunity to dream and passion will soon follow.  Invest the time and energy to that end by removing the barriers that prevent this process from occurring. 

 

Every year I am excited for March Madness…don’t miss out on a great live opportunity to experience a renewed spirit and a healthy dose of inspiration! 

Can Your Child Really Come Home Again - Part II

Have you drawn your own conclusions?  Hopefully if you were firmly entrenched in your position prior to reading this post, you now see that there are two equally valid positions on this topic! The most important take away from Part One is realizing that our purest motivations (love and connection) can be painfully misinterpreted when our actions and reactions are driven by fear of loss.  Many people are able to understand that principle regarding our mates, less so with our children.  Therein lies the challenge.

Suggestions for Moms:

If we desire to nourish a healthy relationship with our emerging adult, as a mom it is imperative that we personally acknowledge life’s reality: our child is becoming an adult! The same rules of engagement (respect, consideration, compromise, and cooperation) to which we adhere when interacting with our peers must also be extended to our nearly adult child.   A second important mindset that was never really healthy, but now must be discarded is the notion that our child’s behavior and success/failure is a direct reflection of our value as a parent.  To continue to adopt this belief recreates a significantly toxic environment that not only smothers potential (both yours and your child’s) but also signals to your child that you will not tolerate their emerging independence.  In this case the underlying message the mother sends to her child is: to love me is to become me – the antithesis of individuation!  The emerging adult MUST leave, become disingenuous or regress.  None of these options are tolerable.  

Holding onto this correlation: If independent (emergent adult) then abandonment (mother) is a fear that developed long before the birth of your child.  The reality is that when independence is respected, the likelihood of increased connection is exponentially increased! If your love for your child has not historically been conditional, why would your child now love you conditionally?  In other words, realize that when your child left you did not stop loving him/her, so why would your child stop loving you?  If you have come to realize that your love was conditional apologize and simply stop loving based upon what you expect to receive in return!  For love to be genuine, it must be freely given! It is time to have confidence in yourself and your child.  If you continue to react assuaging your fear of abandonment you PUSH them away!  

Knowing that your child will eventually leave you, do not forego your newly crafted life.  The connections you have formed at a time when you felt so confused and vulnerable need to be nourished.  They will continue to support you when your child again takes flight, therefore, do not take them for granted!  Remember how it feels to sense abandonment so don’t do it to your children. 

Suggestions for the Emerging Adult:

Hopefully you now better understand the multiple challenges your mother continues to face in an attempt to appropriately channel her love and affection for you. You must not manipulate the situation.  Do your best not to send mixed messages!  If you want your independence to be respected demonstrate that you are less self-centered: do your own laundry, express appreciation for her home cooked meals and at least occasionally fill her gas tank!  Display your love for her and reinforce that her place in your heart is not negotiable.  Compliment the growth you’ve seen in her and genuinely convey your desire to understand her experience of letting you go. Be neither afraid of her tears nor assume that they are tears of sadness!  She wiped your countless tears throughout the years, now you repay the favor!  Realize that she mustered the courage to let you go and she also created a new life for herself.

Assume a healthy leadership role.  Initiate conversations, suggest new approaches to more equitably divide household labor, and inject humor rather than criticism.  Display assertiveness rather than aggressiveness! The most powerful expression of maturity is through your actions.  Rather than demand respect, demonstrate that you deserve it and likewise are willing to give it, especially if historically you withheld it!

Suggestions for Interactions:

As a family unit, talk constructively, display effort, and an authentic willingness to compromise and collaborate.  Restate your mutual commitment.  Most importantly, understand that both of you are sharing a parallel journey. Everyday will not be a home run, in fact you may consecutively strike out.  The only loss would be allowing your occasional frustration with the process to overshadow your ultimate goal of a transformed connection.  Also understand that with time fears of abandonment diminish, distance becomes irrelevant and the cherished grandchild will eventually supersede even this most primal relationship!!