Is Quantity More Important Than Quality?

Over the past decade, this question has elicited the most animated discussions among clients in my practice.  It mostly refers to time management, usually regarding primary relationships: children, parents (including in-laws) and spouses.  This post will explore the relationship of quality to quantity as well as pose questions that will assist you in uncovering your motivation as it relates to these choices.

For the sake of clarity, I will first describe the terms that form the basis of this discussion.  Quantity broadly refers to things that can be measured, whereas quality is more discreet and refers to a peculiar or essential element.  Time management refers to the ability of an individual to allot their personal resources in the form of energy and focus in their life.  For purposes of this discussion, I will make one important assumption: that the individuals who are struggling to balance quality and quantity are truly seeking what is in the best interest of their loved ones and not using quantity v. quality simply as a justification for selfishness. 

Children

The primary dilemma that I hear voiced in my practice by parents is how to maximize interactions with their children while engaging in demanding careers. An unfortunate reality is that in the lives of infants and especially toddlers their “firsts” (i.e. smiling, standing, crawling, walking) cannot be scheduled.  As most parents can attest, sometimes stepping into the next room can be too far away from the action, let alone across town!  Therefore, with these developmental stages, quantity seems to trump quality.  Parents have attempted to maximize quantity through job share opportunities, split shifts and telecommuting.  Video streaming has also been a way that some parents have been able to remain connected despite demanding careers.  Yet another option has been childcare delivered by family members. During these developmental stages consider that quantity is quality.

An interesting juxtaposition occurs as your child enters school.  As the child’s interests broaden their preferences may transition to quality time rather than sheer quantity with their parents.  The parental problem at this developmental stage is what constitutes quality time?  Is it the 10 to 15 minute commute to and from music lessons, dance or sports?  Is it observing from afar their child’s extra-curricular activities?  Or does quality time refer to time spent playing video games with them or supervising homework? 

Each family needs to define what constitutes quality interactions.  I would hope that the definition includes a movement away from activities that involve coaching, critiquing and/or instructing.  Focus more on activities that require interaction with each other – board games, walks, hikes and gardening.  This is also a good time to begin rituals like family dinner hours, dedicated times for quieting of electronic devices and pre-bedtime rituals.  Remember that even though children may be completely capable of reading to themselves, reading with their parent at bedtime often remains a significantly fond memory years later. 

With adolescence and emerging adults the potential for a complete role reversal with their child may occur.  It is often the parent who complains of little if any time spent with their child.  Parents may suffer from “separation anxiety” when their teen leaves the house because as parents they cannot assure their child’s safety.  It is also a pivotal time when guilt may be used by both parents and their children to leverage opportunities for quality time. 

Parents who have traditionally assuaged their own guilt about the quantity/quality debate during their child’s earlier years may now consciously ramp up these efforts because their child is more vocal.  If buying “things” or attempting to create quality time with extravagant getaways became an avenue from which to engage with your child, the tables may turn when they become teenagers.  The child who has become accustomed to this parental behavior may now raise the ante to capitalize on their parent’s feelings of guilt.  This may be an example of a ritual that began in the early years that became unhealthy.  Why not focus on getting to know your teen and allow them to know you beyond your parental role? For parents, it may stave off feelings associated with the impending doom of empty nest.

Parents and In-Laws

In my post  “When the Child Becomes the Parent,” I explained the fundamental shift that occurs as our parents decline with age.   As senior parents decline, they may project more emotional dependency upon their adult children.  They are at risk for increased loneliness and this often translates into depression and anxiety that in turn affects their physical health. This is especially true when they live alone. In this case, quantity rather than quality is once again preferred, especially if their memory has been affected.  It is more difficult for them to know whether you visited last month or yesterday because their sense of time often becomes impaired.

Active seniors however, may have established a satisfying social life prior to their decline.  A considerable number of my clients report feeling angry that their parent(s) “don’t have time for their family.” My suggestion would be to book your time with them!  Quality would be the primary goal at this life stage.

Spouses/Significant Others

Ideally, couples want to spend time together.  I believe that there is often an assumption about what constitutes quality time rather than a mutually agreed upon decision.  If one partner believes that co-habitating addresses both the quantity and quality dimensions while the other partner actually expects some undivided attention, this could become a recipe for disaster!  Risks of assuming that your partner adopts your viewpoint increases with years spent together.     

If your relationship pre-dates the era of electronic devices, I highly suggest you discover how your mate really feels about their usage while spending time together.  If you are familiar with the book The Five Love Languages, it is safe to assume that therein lays valuable insight into what defines quality to each partner. If you are interested in this topic but have yet to complete the surveys at the back of the book, follow this link: http://www.5lovelanguages.com.

SUMMARY

This discussion has suggested two important points regarding quality and quantity in significant relationships: (1) One size does not fit all and (2) Quantity and quality are interrelated.  Not only do our life stages dictate our needs and desires for time, energy and dedicated focus, our temperaments also serve as a barometer for need. Thus the nature of the relationship and the key people affected dictate which choice is most necessary.  Since relationships are constantly evolving, what may be relevant one year may not be entirely relevant five years from now.  The last and most important point is that quantity and quality are interrelated.  I propose that quality time is not dependent upon extensive planning or exciting activities, but rather a spontaneous shared moment whereby a precious memory is created. Most frequently it involves sharing simple pleasures (sunsets, star gazing, sunrises). A simple pleasure requires the gift of time to occur naturally. Your life will become exponentially richer when you create an opportunity for spontaneity.  This requires chunks of non-dedicated time not only to experience simple pleasures but also share them with your cherished loved ones!

Can Your Child Really Come Home Again - Part II

Have you drawn your own conclusions?  Hopefully if you were firmly entrenched in your position prior to reading this post, you now see that there are two equally valid positions on this topic! The most important take away from Part One is realizing that our purest motivations (love and connection) can be painfully misinterpreted when our actions and reactions are driven by fear of loss.  Many people are able to understand that principle regarding our mates, less so with our children.  Therein lies the challenge.

Suggestions for Moms:

If we desire to nourish a healthy relationship with our emerging adult, as a mom it is imperative that we personally acknowledge life’s reality: our child is becoming an adult! The same rules of engagement (respect, consideration, compromise, and cooperation) to which we adhere when interacting with our peers must also be extended to our nearly adult child.   A second important mindset that was never really healthy, but now must be discarded is the notion that our child’s behavior and success/failure is a direct reflection of our value as a parent.  To continue to adopt this belief recreates a significantly toxic environment that not only smothers potential (both yours and your child’s) but also signals to your child that you will not tolerate their emerging independence.  In this case the underlying message the mother sends to her child is: to love me is to become me – the antithesis of individuation!  The emerging adult MUST leave, become disingenuous or regress.  None of these options are tolerable.  

Holding onto this correlation: If independent (emergent adult) then abandonment (mother) is a fear that developed long before the birth of your child.  The reality is that when independence is respected, the likelihood of increased connection is exponentially increased! If your love for your child has not historically been conditional, why would your child now love you conditionally?  In other words, realize that when your child left you did not stop loving him/her, so why would your child stop loving you?  If you have come to realize that your love was conditional apologize and simply stop loving based upon what you expect to receive in return!  For love to be genuine, it must be freely given! It is time to have confidence in yourself and your child.  If you continue to react assuaging your fear of abandonment you PUSH them away!  

Knowing that your child will eventually leave you, do not forego your newly crafted life.  The connections you have formed at a time when you felt so confused and vulnerable need to be nourished.  They will continue to support you when your child again takes flight, therefore, do not take them for granted!  Remember how it feels to sense abandonment so don’t do it to your children. 

Suggestions for the Emerging Adult:

Hopefully you now better understand the multiple challenges your mother continues to face in an attempt to appropriately channel her love and affection for you. You must not manipulate the situation.  Do your best not to send mixed messages!  If you want your independence to be respected demonstrate that you are less self-centered: do your own laundry, express appreciation for her home cooked meals and at least occasionally fill her gas tank!  Display your love for her and reinforce that her place in your heart is not negotiable.  Compliment the growth you’ve seen in her and genuinely convey your desire to understand her experience of letting you go. Be neither afraid of her tears nor assume that they are tears of sadness!  She wiped your countless tears throughout the years, now you repay the favor!  Realize that she mustered the courage to let you go and she also created a new life for herself.

Assume a healthy leadership role.  Initiate conversations, suggest new approaches to more equitably divide household labor, and inject humor rather than criticism.  Display assertiveness rather than aggressiveness! The most powerful expression of maturity is through your actions.  Rather than demand respect, demonstrate that you deserve it and likewise are willing to give it, especially if historically you withheld it!

Suggestions for Interactions:

As a family unit, talk constructively, display effort, and an authentic willingness to compromise and collaborate.  Restate your mutual commitment.  Most importantly, understand that both of you are sharing a parallel journey. Everyday will not be a home run, in fact you may consecutively strike out.  The only loss would be allowing your occasional frustration with the process to overshadow your ultimate goal of a transformed connection.  Also understand that with time fears of abandonment diminish, distance becomes irrelevant and the cherished grandchild will eventually supersede even this most primal relationship!! 

Can Your Child Really Come Home Again?

When a grown child returns to the family home after attending college or pursuing their career, do they return as “the child” or an emerging adult? Do their moms once again revert to “mommy” or is their newly developed independence respected?  Depending upon the expectations of both parties, returning home for either the summer or post-graduation may be wrought with unnecessary conflict.

Mom’s Conundrum:

All moms initially struggle with the process of actually letting their child walk out the door. Feelings are often dichotomous: pride and excitement that their “baby” is ready to launch and sadness about the loss.  Feelings of anxiety?  That is a prerequisite for motherhood and finely honed with each developmental milestone their child experiences!  Facing what often feels like the final threshold of motherhood, the natural tendency is to tighten - if not securely knot - those apron strings in an attempt to turn back time.  It is less about retaining power and more frequently about fearing abandonment!  This grief is palpable and normal. Acclimating to the empty nest is a process of rediscovering independence and redefining the parameters of motherhood. Despite careful planning, entering this stage is challenging and often extremely confusing and difficult.

Child’s Conundrum:

The emerging adult also experiences a dichotomy of feelings as they climb into adulthood. Hopefully their primary feeling is excitement fueled by the anticipation of independence - the drive to separate from their mother is normal and healthy!  Fear of the unknown and anxiety related to the loss of their predictable security is also expected.  Understand that for the emerging adult, the journey of individuating occurs over years and is often not completed until the death of their parents. How does the far more independent and self-reliant emerging adult return home after completing a year or more of college and continue to develop their independence?  It is even developmentally appropriate to return to a household where levels of accountability remain unchanged?  

The Interaction Dilemma:

Under optimal circumstances, both mother and child would be able to openly renegotiate house rules and responsibilities.  Since they both are on parallel journeys of increasing independence, they could motivate and support each other. This condition presents a wellspring of opportunity for mutual appreciation and camaraderie.

Unfortunately, in my practice, the less than ideal experience of conflict is often the case.  Theoretically, the turmoil centers on role confusion.  The emerging adult returns home to their favorite meals, built-in laundry service, full gas tanks and often more free time than to which they’ve become accustomed.  Mom initially delights in caregiving as she temporarily rewinds the hands of time, often not missing a beat into the all-encompassing role that once defined her as a “good” mother. The best of the family dynamics are resurrected! 

At some point, the honeymoon ends and power struggles begin. Curfews, chores and seemingly arbitrary demands are once again not well received by a now emerging adult.  The independence once celebrated suddenly has qualifications:  do they assertively move forward? Or relinquish their personal power and return to the marginally obedient teen?  Frequently another harsh reality is that their dependency is real.  They are not in a financial position to assert total independence and that reality often erodes their confidence at a time when it was building momentum!  When their mom reminds them of their dependency as an assertion of her power with comments such as: “ When you live under MY roof, you obey MY rules,” the likelihood of oppositional behavior returning is exponentially increased! Ultimately the emerging adult is trapped in the very situation they once felt compelled to leave.

Mothers are equally confused.  She grieved losing her baby and often turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to the reality of their child’s experiences in the world in order to sleep nights .  Perhaps they re-entered the workforce, pursued a passion or reconnected socially with similarly situated empty nesters.  The daily demands of the household probably shifted in frequency.  They may even have given up checking their phones “just in case [the son/daughter] called.”  Relationships of all varieties became more spontaneous.  Independence born by default morphed into a fairly natural state of self-acceptance.  Then their child returned home! 

The struggle is often fueled by an immense love that has been forced to be displayed in less intrusive ways.  So why wouldn’t the natural inclination be to once again unleash it with gusto? Great for a while, but the astute woman realizes somewhere between laundry and meal prep that perhaps this part of motherhood was not all that enjoyable.  Add the guilt attached to this realization as well as guilt attached to forfeiting some if not all of her social spontaneity and the seeds of her discontent also resurface!  Frequently moms don’t realize just how tightly they secured their apron strings and attempted to force compliance in rather arbitrary ways: it rarely worked when her child was a teen  - what makes her think it will work now?  Moms are also painfully well aware that eventually their emerging adult will once again take flight. Attempting to ease the anxiety attached to this event, they either potentially smother their child while they have them or reinforce the notion of dependency to somehow diminish this possibility.

The question remains: can your child really come home again?  In part two of this post I will provide some suggestions that may ease the impact of this seemingly temporary derailment in mutual growth.  Hopefully you will be able to draw your own conclusions as to its probability!