Can Your Child Really Come Home Again?

When a grown child returns to the family home after attending college or pursuing their career, do they return as “the child” or an emerging adult? Do their moms once again revert to “mommy” or is their newly developed independence respected?  Depending upon the expectations of both parties, returning home for either the summer or post-graduation may be wrought with unnecessary conflict.

Mom’s Conundrum:

All moms initially struggle with the process of actually letting their child walk out the door. Feelings are often dichotomous: pride and excitement that their “baby” is ready to launch and sadness about the loss.  Feelings of anxiety?  That is a prerequisite for motherhood and finely honed with each developmental milestone their child experiences!  Facing what often feels like the final threshold of motherhood, the natural tendency is to tighten - if not securely knot - those apron strings in an attempt to turn back time.  It is less about retaining power and more frequently about fearing abandonment!  This grief is palpable and normal. Acclimating to the empty nest is a process of rediscovering independence and redefining the parameters of motherhood. Despite careful planning, entering this stage is challenging and often extremely confusing and difficult.

Child’s Conundrum:

The emerging adult also experiences a dichotomy of feelings as they climb into adulthood. Hopefully their primary feeling is excitement fueled by the anticipation of independence - the drive to separate from their mother is normal and healthy!  Fear of the unknown and anxiety related to the loss of their predictable security is also expected.  Understand that for the emerging adult, the journey of individuating occurs over years and is often not completed until the death of their parents. How does the far more independent and self-reliant emerging adult return home after completing a year or more of college and continue to develop their independence?  It is even developmentally appropriate to return to a household where levels of accountability remain unchanged?  

The Interaction Dilemma:

Under optimal circumstances, both mother and child would be able to openly renegotiate house rules and responsibilities.  Since they both are on parallel journeys of increasing independence, they could motivate and support each other. This condition presents a wellspring of opportunity for mutual appreciation and camaraderie.

Unfortunately, in my practice, the less than ideal experience of conflict is often the case.  Theoretically, the turmoil centers on role confusion.  The emerging adult returns home to their favorite meals, built-in laundry service, full gas tanks and often more free time than to which they’ve become accustomed.  Mom initially delights in caregiving as she temporarily rewinds the hands of time, often not missing a beat into the all-encompassing role that once defined her as a “good” mother. The best of the family dynamics are resurrected! 

At some point, the honeymoon ends and power struggles begin. Curfews, chores and seemingly arbitrary demands are once again not well received by a now emerging adult.  The independence once celebrated suddenly has qualifications:  do they assertively move forward? Or relinquish their personal power and return to the marginally obedient teen?  Frequently another harsh reality is that their dependency is real.  They are not in a financial position to assert total independence and that reality often erodes their confidence at a time when it was building momentum!  When their mom reminds them of their dependency as an assertion of her power with comments such as: “ When you live under MY roof, you obey MY rules,” the likelihood of oppositional behavior returning is exponentially increased! Ultimately the emerging adult is trapped in the very situation they once felt compelled to leave.

Mothers are equally confused.  She grieved losing her baby and often turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to the reality of their child’s experiences in the world in order to sleep nights .  Perhaps they re-entered the workforce, pursued a passion or reconnected socially with similarly situated empty nesters.  The daily demands of the household probably shifted in frequency.  They may even have given up checking their phones “just in case [the son/daughter] called.”  Relationships of all varieties became more spontaneous.  Independence born by default morphed into a fairly natural state of self-acceptance.  Then their child returned home! 

The struggle is often fueled by an immense love that has been forced to be displayed in less intrusive ways.  So why wouldn’t the natural inclination be to once again unleash it with gusto? Great for a while, but the astute woman realizes somewhere between laundry and meal prep that perhaps this part of motherhood was not all that enjoyable.  Add the guilt attached to this realization as well as guilt attached to forfeiting some if not all of her social spontaneity and the seeds of her discontent also resurface!  Frequently moms don’t realize just how tightly they secured their apron strings and attempted to force compliance in rather arbitrary ways: it rarely worked when her child was a teen  - what makes her think it will work now?  Moms are also painfully well aware that eventually their emerging adult will once again take flight. Attempting to ease the anxiety attached to this event, they either potentially smother their child while they have them or reinforce the notion of dependency to somehow diminish this possibility.

The question remains: can your child really come home again?  In part two of this post I will provide some suggestions that may ease the impact of this seemingly temporary derailment in mutual growth.  Hopefully you will be able to draw your own conclusions as to its probability!

The Importance of a Shared Vision in Relationships

In “ The Gambler” Kenny Rogers sings know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.  Kenny references poker but the statement is equally salient regarding relationships.  There is a time when the admirable traits of commitment and perseverance can become misdirected into unhealthy dependence and sheer stubbornness.  If you feel confused about when to hold on versus when to let go you are not alone!

Perhaps your confusion is justified because timing is not the primary concern when determining the viability of your relationship.  Isn’t the true question what are you holding onto?  I believe a fundamental component of a healthy relationship is a shared vision.  It personifies not only the couple’s identity but also their values.  This post explores the dynamic quality of a shared vision as well as the deleterious effects if and when the vision ceases to be shared.

When two individuals become a couple they share a vision of how their relationship will be defined as well as its ultimate goal.  These would include dreams, values, hopes and wishes as well as ground rules for behaviors such as fidelity and honesty.  Mutual agreement constitutes the contract or code of conduct for the relationship.  The most favorable approach would be to openly discuss expectations as well as boundaries early in the relationship. Failing to discuss expectations can lead to possibly erroneous assumptions that could later significantly jeopardize a potentially healthy relationship.

A shared vision is refined throughout the course of the relationship, but it must remain MUTUAL.  Wise relationship maintenance involves periodically revisiting the current vision.  If either person notices differences that did not previously exist, this may indicate at the very least a misinterpretation of the vision or, more significantly, a deviation in the level of investment.  If a couple cannot reach a shared understanding as to a perceived change in their vision, then at that point it may be a wise investment of time and resources to speak to a trained professional. If either refuses…HUGE RED FLAG!

When there is a breakdown in the vision additional red flags may become evident.  Often they serve as a mechanism to either avoid the reality of the difference, draw attention to the difference, or force a shown down. 

Avoiding the reality of a differing vision is often observed in a marked change in communication patterns that illustrate a shift in priorities.  The general theme is a move away from spontaneity and toward orchestration.  Calls go to voice mail, text message replies are delayed and there may be more promises made but they are not realized.  There may also be an increasing pattern of what I call “legitimate amnesia.”  Significant events the couple once celebrated are either denied as being important or completely dismissed due to unavoidable professional, familial, recreational, or educational commitments.  Often it is highlighted by an overall disinterest in compromise and seemingly a disregard for their partner’s feelings.

In reaction to these avoidant behaviors, the other partner may engage in behaviors that draw attention to their perception of a shift in the couple’s vision.  If there has been a misinterpretation of the vision, this approach may be successful.  However, if the avoidance was intentional, the likelihood for increasingly hostile responses from the avoidant partner is magnified; especially during conversations that may address these concerns.  The scenario may look like this: Partner one repeats either the need to talk or weaves this observed difference in vision into benign conversations. Partner two accuses partner one of intentionally nagging, picking, or belittling.  Partner two then limits interactions or, while engaging, becomes busy at the precise time a significant discussion begins. Partner one feels isolated, lonely and/or misunderstood.

By default, new guidelines for communication have been established.   Range of acceptable topics may become narrower as well as less detailed. Emotion is not tolerated.  Spontaneity and depth are replaced with superficiality and boredom.  At this point in the relationship, the partner who is not content with fostering continued denial might levy ultimatums in a final attempt to draw attention to the severity of the state of the relationship and the deterioration of the shared vision.

The final straw may occur when either partner least expects it.  Frequently it is over something trivial that has become the depository for ongoing pain and frustration.  It isn’t about taking out the trash, or programming the sprinklers or feeding the pets.  Know that these critical events rarely “come out of the blue.” This pattern of indirectly confronting difference or change is unhealthy.  If this situation is not an isolated incident, seek out couple’s therapy.  Do not assume that this is merely a communication issue!  Most likely there are issues involving respect and power within this relationship that actually predate your relationship.

In conclusion, be willing to compromise regarding the details of your shared vision.  Be considerate of your partner’s individuality in executing the vision. If there was a mutually stated goal of forever, exercise the tenacity to work out the details.  Be willing to compromise and renegotiate the vision as long as your identity is not sacrificed in this process. 

However, when it becomes clear to you as the partner that the vision has shifted, do not hesitate to initiate discussion and if indicated solicit professional support.  If you are met with refusal or half hearted commitment, take action to prevent further heartache to both partners.   It is virtually impossible to be the sole keeper of an obsolete shared vision and remain emotionally healthy!  If you find yourself in this situation, have the courage to know that perhaps now is precisely when to fold ‘em.