Confusion -The Hidden Gem of the Emerging Adult

Many emerging adults ages 16-24 are anxious and confused yet feel isolated in their suffering. Anxiety attached to feeling confused has become the dirty little secret that replaced emergent sexuality and underage drinking of generations past. Who fits this profile? This post explains that confusion is an essential element of this life stage that functions as a catalyst for growth. Therefore, it is the anxiety attached to feeling confused rather than the confusion itself that actually inhibits this process of healthy development. 

The young adults of whom I speak are often very accomplished, having been groomed since elementary school to excel in at least one sport, a fine art and boasting stellar academic records replete with the maximum possible number of Advanced Placements units. Many have equally impressive records of community service, maintain full social calendars and are considered Ivy League college candidates. 

A difference emerges among these candidates with respect to their parents. In one camp are young adults walking in the footsteps of their professional parents; in another are young adults carrying the added burden of setting a new standard for their families when it comes to academic and intellectual achievement.

Parents are not the singular force behind creating young adults who feel enormous pressure to embrace what lies before them. Certainly the practice of creating a resume has been either initiated or reinforced by well-intentioned educators and guidance counselors. These are cultural norms developed by adults who want to streamline the process for their children. Yet most adults can recall key missteps that created for them significant opportunity. Why deny the next generation this life experience? 

Erik Erikson, an infamous psychological scholar identified eight psychosocial life stages that form a healthy personality. Two salient stages in this discussion are Identity versus Role Confusion (ages 13-18) and Intimacy versus Isolation (ages 18-40ish). These stages have specific expectations for growth: exploring who we are and what we believe and then branching out and connecting deeply with a mate or through significant friendships. My clients appreciate knowing that what they are feeling has been identified as healthy in Erikson’s theory. 

Many of my young adult clients feel significant amounts of anxiety when the path that heretofore was finely crafted becomes an anchor cementing them to the past. They have often discovered a passion that better fits who they have become. Frequently they need to change majors, or perhaps transfer to a completely different academic institution. Socially, they may feel less connected to their established circle of friends who may have not questioned their path and are seemingly content. As a result, they either become isolated or assume the façade that life is great. One path is active isolation, the other - equally damaging - is emotional detachment.

How do young adults admit to their parents that they may feel confused and/or that they have deviated from the course they jointly crafted? Some young adults avoid the topic; others sabotage themselves by failing; some become physically ill in anticipation of the backlash; and a few, especially if they are rounding out the developmental stage of Identity versus Role Confusion, confidently lay their cards out on the table. The act of exposing their situation is of great value in establishing their identity and autonomy. Parents, on the other hand, often call my office and accuse me of undermining their authority! 

My suggestions to the young adults are two-fold. Rejoice in your confusion because how would you arrive at certainty without it? Understand that it is a component of a vital developmental stage. Also understand that remaining confused is equally as detrimental as following a preordained path that doesn’t fit! You will not magically arrive at the next stage of your journey. You must stay actively engaged in the process of not only exploring options, but also trying them on for size! That feeling is better labeled excitement, rather than anxiety generated from dread or boredom!  My second suggestion is to break the silence with your peers! That is how your relationships transcend the superficial and become significant – your next developmental challenge. 

Allow your parents the opportunity to understand the underpinnings of your angst. It is unfair to blame and dump your anxiety and anger in their laps and then smugly walk away. Engage in many conversations through SKYPE if you are away at school or face-to-face if you are local. This conversation would not ideally be had over the phone or through email. Engaging in self-sabotage through failing, illness and/or avoidance diminishes the credibility of your assertion to pursue your chosen path. Parents want their children to be happy and successful. Extend to them some time to shift gears and embrace your journey. In the meantime, continue to address your anxiety through self-care (diet, exercise, & adequate sleep), doing the difficult work in therapy and nourishing your friendships. You ultimately are responsible for your life choices so honor the process!

Can Your Child Really Come Home Again?

When a grown child returns to the family home after attending college or pursuing their career, do they return as “the child” or an emerging adult? Do their moms once again revert to “mommy” or is their newly developed independence respected?  Depending upon the expectations of both parties, returning home for either the summer or post-graduation may be wrought with unnecessary conflict.

Mom’s Conundrum:

All moms initially struggle with the process of actually letting their child walk out the door. Feelings are often dichotomous: pride and excitement that their “baby” is ready to launch and sadness about the loss.  Feelings of anxiety?  That is a prerequisite for motherhood and finely honed with each developmental milestone their child experiences!  Facing what often feels like the final threshold of motherhood, the natural tendency is to tighten - if not securely knot - those apron strings in an attempt to turn back time.  It is less about retaining power and more frequently about fearing abandonment!  This grief is palpable and normal. Acclimating to the empty nest is a process of rediscovering independence and redefining the parameters of motherhood. Despite careful planning, entering this stage is challenging and often extremely confusing and difficult.

Child’s Conundrum:

The emerging adult also experiences a dichotomy of feelings as they climb into adulthood. Hopefully their primary feeling is excitement fueled by the anticipation of independence - the drive to separate from their mother is normal and healthy!  Fear of the unknown and anxiety related to the loss of their predictable security is also expected.  Understand that for the emerging adult, the journey of individuating occurs over years and is often not completed until the death of their parents. How does the far more independent and self-reliant emerging adult return home after completing a year or more of college and continue to develop their independence?  It is even developmentally appropriate to return to a household where levels of accountability remain unchanged?  

The Interaction Dilemma:

Under optimal circumstances, both mother and child would be able to openly renegotiate house rules and responsibilities.  Since they both are on parallel journeys of increasing independence, they could motivate and support each other. This condition presents a wellspring of opportunity for mutual appreciation and camaraderie.

Unfortunately, in my practice, the less than ideal experience of conflict is often the case.  Theoretically, the turmoil centers on role confusion.  The emerging adult returns home to their favorite meals, built-in laundry service, full gas tanks and often more free time than to which they’ve become accustomed.  Mom initially delights in caregiving as she temporarily rewinds the hands of time, often not missing a beat into the all-encompassing role that once defined her as a “good” mother. The best of the family dynamics are resurrected! 

At some point, the honeymoon ends and power struggles begin. Curfews, chores and seemingly arbitrary demands are once again not well received by a now emerging adult.  The independence once celebrated suddenly has qualifications:  do they assertively move forward? Or relinquish their personal power and return to the marginally obedient teen?  Frequently another harsh reality is that their dependency is real.  They are not in a financial position to assert total independence and that reality often erodes their confidence at a time when it was building momentum!  When their mom reminds them of their dependency as an assertion of her power with comments such as: “ When you live under MY roof, you obey MY rules,” the likelihood of oppositional behavior returning is exponentially increased! Ultimately the emerging adult is trapped in the very situation they once felt compelled to leave.

Mothers are equally confused.  She grieved losing her baby and often turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to the reality of their child’s experiences in the world in order to sleep nights .  Perhaps they re-entered the workforce, pursued a passion or reconnected socially with similarly situated empty nesters.  The daily demands of the household probably shifted in frequency.  They may even have given up checking their phones “just in case [the son/daughter] called.”  Relationships of all varieties became more spontaneous.  Independence born by default morphed into a fairly natural state of self-acceptance.  Then their child returned home! 

The struggle is often fueled by an immense love that has been forced to be displayed in less intrusive ways.  So why wouldn’t the natural inclination be to once again unleash it with gusto? Great for a while, but the astute woman realizes somewhere between laundry and meal prep that perhaps this part of motherhood was not all that enjoyable.  Add the guilt attached to this realization as well as guilt attached to forfeiting some if not all of her social spontaneity and the seeds of her discontent also resurface!  Frequently moms don’t realize just how tightly they secured their apron strings and attempted to force compliance in rather arbitrary ways: it rarely worked when her child was a teen  - what makes her think it will work now?  Moms are also painfully well aware that eventually their emerging adult will once again take flight. Attempting to ease the anxiety attached to this event, they either potentially smother their child while they have them or reinforce the notion of dependency to somehow diminish this possibility.

The question remains: can your child really come home again?  In part two of this post I will provide some suggestions that may ease the impact of this seemingly temporary derailment in mutual growth.  Hopefully you will be able to draw your own conclusions as to its probability!

When the Child Becomes the Parent - Part II

Yesterday we began to explore the transition of the adult child as they become the parent to their aging parents.  Today we will continue to explore this transition as it relates to our emotions. I will conclude with some suggestions for self care.

So what about your emotions?  Depending upon the circumstances regarding your parents’ decline, feelings are subjugated to the rational thought required to orchestrate their care. Feelings associated with strength, security, wisdom and parental selflessness that remained unchallenged are forever disrupted precisely when that very support would be most welcomed. In those moments we are required to display those attributes, not in relation to our biological children (we have grown into those roles), but rather for our newly adopted children embodied as our parents!

This situation frequently engenders profound feelings of loss, heightened anxiety regarding our ability to face this impending doom, abandonment, outrage, and helplessness.  No wonder the seemingly easiest path is to deny our feelings and remain focused on the details.  Following the denial path may cause those repressed feelings to manifest as a weakened immune system, as well as a myriad of very real physical complaints. The other possibility is to play out this fear and anger on our parents with lowered frustration tolerance, withdrawal of visits and emotional distancing. 

Our emotional balance must be recalibrated.  That takes time as well as conscious intent, often when we are merely existing rather than living.  If we are aware of our feelings, it may be terrifying to feel the anxiety of anticipatory grief especially when death is not yet imminent.  It is also a struggle between gratefully assuming this new responsibility and needing them to snap out of it and once again take care of you. 

Becoming the parent to our parents is not always as dire as it may seem.  If your parent’s decline is without major crises, there is an opportunity to assume the role with at least their partial approval and perhaps even the full appreciation of your parent.  There is also time to address important emotional issues that may need to be resolved in preparation for their passing.  If your relationship has been solid, there is an opportunity to experience your parent’s fragility and helplessness with the confidence that you will now be their source of security and display your selflessness on their behalf.  They actually have the opportunity to witness the legacy they have spent their lives creating and nurturing come to fruition. 

This is one of those times in life that ongoing professional consultation and/or therapy prove to be an invaluable investment.  Our core beliefs and feelings have been shattered at a time when we must perform consistently and engage effectively.  We are confronted not only with our parents’ mortality but ours as well - in a real and undeniable way.  If you have yet to experience this phenomenon in your life, understand that recognizing your vulnerability will ultimately give you the strength to seek support early in the process so that you can go the distance and become a richer, more improved version of your prior self.  If you have already been through this phenomenon I would challenge you to replay that experience and feel proud and confident that you completed yet another unanticipated stage of life under duress and to the best of your ability!