Fear of Intimacy

You are in a relationship that appears to be everything that you have ever wanted. As the intensity of the commitment builds and the future seems inevitable, your mate changes the game plan. Do you find yourself wracking your brain and your heart wondering whether you are to blame? Do you feel you have been deceived? Do the events appear senseless? You may very well be involved or have been involved with someone who fears intimacy.

For the purpose of this commentary, intimacy covers a broad spectrum of emotionally connected behaviors that require an individual to experience vulnerability. This could mean the sharing of deeply held feelings, sexual experiences, and/or dreams, hopes, fears, and ambitions. This fear is often characterized by avoidance and withdrawal. Initially it is often masked not only from the partner but the individual as well.

Fears of intimacy most generally do not surface until a relationship becomes meaningful and the threat of loss cannot be denied. That is why it appears to the partner to have come out of nowhere. There are some common behaviors that may indicate that your partner may be experiencing a fear of intimacy. Do they exhibit a pattern of seemingly noble intent yet when the time comes to act on their plans there seems to be delays, withdrawal, or avoidance? When engaged in a disagreement, do they avoid engaging citing fatigue, stress, or overwork as the reasons? Do they vow to address the issues tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes? Do they rely on habitual behaviors that result in disengagement from you such as overworking, substance use, television, the internet, or video games? Have hobbies been replaced with solitary pursuits? Has conversation become superficial or repetitious? Has sexual intimacy waned or become mechanical? Are you left feeling empty after an encounter that was historically filled with wonder and excitement? In other words, is the connectivity missing?

Fears of intimacy are generated from an individual's early attachment to their parent. Parents who withheld love and affection, were harshly critical, abusive, or ambivalent set the gears in motion for their child to internalize the negative dialogues that were directed at them. With prolonged exposure, these voices become a part of the self image and lie dormant until a person experiences true love and positive regard from their mate. The love that the person has longed for their entire life now competes with the internal negativity that has become a part of their identity.

The anxiety that is generated from feeling love and acceptance often causes the individual who fears intimacy to withdraw into themselves or actively engage in behaviors that sabotage their chance to truly feel secure. They push away the very person who respects and loves them for who they are, a fundamental longing of healthy individuals.

Fear of intimacy is best addressed within the context of individual and couples therapy. It is not a condition that generally improves without a deep exploration of the primary relationships of the individual beginning with their parents. The partners of these individuals would also benefit from therapy to understand and adopt personal boundaries to protect their own self image. Loving a person more or better or differently is not the answer. In fact, it merely recharges the cycle.