Over the past decade, this question has elicited the most
animated discussions among clients in my practice. It mostly refers to time management, usually
regarding primary relationships: children, parents (including in-laws) and spouses. This post will explore the relationship of quality to quantity as well as pose questions that will assist you in
uncovering your motivation as it relates to these choices.
For the sake of clarity, I will first describe the terms
that form the basis of this discussion. Quantity broadly refers to things that
can be measured, whereas quality is
more discreet and refers to a peculiar or essential element. Time management refers to the ability of an
individual to allot their personal resources in the form of energy and focus in
their life. For purposes of this
discussion, I will make one important assumption: that the individuals who are
struggling to balance quality and quantity are truly seeking what is in the
best interest of their loved ones and not using quantity v. quality simply as a
justification for selfishness.
Children
The primary dilemma that I hear voiced in my practice by
parents is how to maximize interactions with their children while engaging in
demanding careers. An unfortunate reality is that in the lives of infants and
especially toddlers their “firsts” (i.e. smiling, standing, crawling, walking) cannot
be scheduled. As most parents can
attest, sometimes stepping into the next room can be too far away from the
action, let alone across town!
Therefore, with these developmental stages, quantity seems to trump
quality. Parents have attempted to
maximize quantity through job share opportunities, split shifts and
telecommuting. Video streaming has also
been a way that some parents have been able to remain connected despite
demanding careers. Yet another option
has been childcare delivered by family members. During these developmental
stages consider that quantity is quality.
An interesting juxtaposition occurs as your child enters
school. As the child’s interests broaden
their preferences may transition to quality time rather than sheer quantity
with their parents. The parental problem
at this developmental stage is what constitutes quality time? Is it the 10 to 15 minute commute to and from
music lessons, dance or sports? Is it
observing from afar their child’s extra-curricular activities? Or does quality time refer to time spent playing
video games with them or supervising homework?
Each family needs to define what constitutes quality interactions. I would hope that the definition includes a movement away from activities that involve coaching, critiquing and/or instructing. Focus more on activities that require interaction with each other – board games, walks, hikes and gardening. This is also a good time to begin rituals like family dinner hours, dedicated times for quieting of electronic devices and pre-bedtime rituals. Remember that even though children may be completely capable of reading to themselves, reading with their parent at bedtime often remains a significantly fond memory years later.
With adolescence and emerging adults the potential for a
complete role reversal with their child may occur. It is often the parent who complains of little
if any time spent with their child.
Parents may suffer from “separation anxiety” when their teen leaves the
house because as parents they cannot assure their child’s safety. It is also a pivotal time when guilt may be
used by both parents and their children to leverage opportunities for quality
time.
Parents who have traditionally assuaged their own guilt about
the quantity/quality debate during their child’s earlier years may now consciously
ramp up these efforts because their child is more vocal. If buying “things” or attempting to create
quality time with extravagant getaways became an avenue from which to engage
with your child, the tables may turn when they become teenagers. The child who has become accustomed to this
parental behavior may now raise the ante to capitalize on their parent’s
feelings of guilt. This may be an
example of a ritual that began in the early years that became unhealthy. Why not focus on getting to know your teen and
allow them to know you beyond your parental role? For parents, it may stave off
feelings associated with the impending doom of empty nest.
Parents and In-Laws
In my post “When the
Child Becomes the Parent,” I explained the fundamental shift that occurs as our
parents decline with age. As senior parents decline, they may project
more emotional dependency upon their adult children. They are at risk for increased loneliness and
this often translates into depression and anxiety that in turn affects their
physical health. This is especially true when they live alone. In this case,
quantity rather than quality is once again preferred, especially if their
memory has been affected. It is more
difficult for them to know whether you visited last month or yesterday because
their sense of time often becomes impaired.
Active seniors however, may have established a satisfying
social life prior to their decline. A
considerable number of my clients report feeling angry that their parent(s)
“don’t have time for their family.” My suggestion would be to book your time
with them! Quality would be the primary
goal at this life stage.
Spouses/Significant Others
Ideally, couples want to spend time together. I
believe that there is often an assumption about what constitutes quality time rather
than a mutually agreed upon decision.
If one partner believes that co-habitating addresses both the quantity
and quality dimensions while the other partner actually expects some undivided
attention, this could become a recipe for disaster! Risks of assuming that your partner adopts
your viewpoint increases with years spent together.
If your relationship pre-dates the era of
electronic devices, I highly suggest you discover how your mate really feels
about their usage while spending time together.
If you are familiar with the book The
Five Love Languages, it is safe to assume that therein lays valuable
insight into what defines quality to each partner. If you are interested in
this topic but have yet to complete the surveys at the back of the book, follow
this link: http://www.5lovelanguages.com.
SUMMARY
This discussion has suggested two important points regarding
quality and quantity in significant relationships: (1) One size does not fit
all and (2) Quantity and quality are interrelated. Not only do our life stages dictate our needs
and desires for time, energy and dedicated focus, our temperaments also serve
as a barometer for need. Thus the nature of the relationship and the key people
affected dictate which choice is most necessary. Since relationships are constantly evolving,
what may be relevant one year may not be entirely relevant five years from
now. The last and most important point
is that quantity and quality are interrelated.
I propose that quality time is not dependent upon extensive planning or exciting
activities, but rather a spontaneous shared moment whereby a precious memory is
created. Most frequently it involves sharing simple pleasures (sunsets, star
gazing, sunrises). A simple pleasure requires the gift of time to occur naturally.
Your life will become exponentially richer when you create an opportunity for
spontaneity. This requires chunks of non-dedicated
time not only to experience simple pleasures but also share them with your
cherished loved ones!
