The Trap of Perfection

In my opinion, perfection is highly overrated.  It assumes that a comparison must be made of someone or something – a personal value judgment.  Perfection also implies a judgment of ultimate success or ultimate failure.  Take a moment and define perfection. Does your definition include both positive and negative descriptors (ex. what is and is NOT perfect)? There are many downsides when perfection becomes the goal!   Frequently these downsides are not in our conscious awareness.  This post will explore some of the potentially hidden pitfalls in the quest for perfection and the negative effects they can have on our self-worth and happiness.

The quest to either become perfect or secure the perfect mate, career, physique or even golf swing can be a solitary process.  Often the sheer dedication and focus required in pursuit of perfection promotes isolation. Perfecting any specialized technique, whether it is a three-point shot or a pirouette often demands hours of focused activity.  The sacrifice is social connectedness. Frequently outsiders represent distraction rather than support.   If you happen to be shy or a bit insecure, it is a great way to justify why you need to remain alone. 

The obvious downside to this cover-up is that as an individual you deny yourself the opportunity to challenge your fears or insecurities.  For instance, overcoming shyness or timidity requires practice in various social situations. Isolating to perfect you obviously limits opportunities to develop social confidence.  So what happens when an individual believes they have perfected whatever technique they set out to master? Self-confidence often rises!  However, confidence does not always erase social insecurity and it also does not generate instant friendships. Why?  While focusing on the process of perfection, little if any energy was spent either in creating new or nourishing existing friendships.  So when seeking to celebrate their new found confidence and their perfect technique, this individual may unfortunately remain a party of one. 

The second downside to this particular cover-up is once again based on a relative value judgment.  If you are engaged in the solitary pursuit of perfection, how do you know whether your idea of perfect aligns with someone else’s?  Observing the behaviors of similarly talented individuals can be a great comparative tool, but when do you incorporate outsiders into your quest? Sooner than later would be ideal!  An individual may have attained their personal best, yet may not be able to compete among an equally talented peer group.  This could be a two-fold blow to self-confidence with the realization that: (1) your personal best was not regarded as perfect and (2) the time spent in isolation did not produce the anticipated benefits (acceptance, happiness or popularity).  For example, while you may now have a perfect physique, the attention you imagined you’d receive is not happening in the real world.  The result may be disillusionment and bitterness.  Neither of those energies attracts the type of positive attention you imagined, and again you remain alone.

In the context of personal relationships, seeking perfection may cleverly mask deeper commitment issues.  There is a vast difference between holding fast to personal standards and finding fault with every potential mate while “holding out” for Mr. or Ms. Perfect.  If you find that no one ever measures up: (1) your standards for perfection may be unrealistic; (2) you may be over-estimating your own personal value; or (3) you are unwilling to commit, period. Perfectionists impose far too many rules on themselves and these rules unfortunately spill over onto others.  Rarely will anyone live up to the perfectionist’s fantasy of possibilities. 

One of the many faulty assumptions of perfectionism is that if an individual obeys the rules, then they deserve the long awaited reward (happiness, marriage, wealth, success). Often despite securing the perfect mate or job they are dissatisfied and only marginally happy.  How can this be? The simple answer is that reality rarely measures up to our fantasies.  Perfection is a product of our imagination, our personal beliefs and the norms we learned within our families. It is colored by our personal life experiences and therefore no two definitions are exactly alike. 

The obvious impact of this cover-up is self-imposed chronic isolation!  It can also create a pseudo superiority that masks either an individual’s fear of commitment or simply a lack of desire to commit to anyone.  In both instances the potential mate has been set up for failure – missing the mark of perfection. This is a lose-lose proposition: (1) the self-esteem of the potential mate takes a hit based upon the perceived rejection, and (2) the perfectionist is allowed to avoid taking responsibility for their own commitment issues while focusing on the flaws of the potential mate.  In time, this emotional manipulation may be disguised as a quest for perfection.  

So far we have seen that the pursuit of perfection often backfires and may actually result in a decline in self-esteem, limit potential happiness and promote social isolation.  Yet when many individuals set out to perfect some aspect of themselves, they expect to feel quite the opposite – bountiful happiness, increased confidence and social acceptance.  As adults we are capable of challenging this faulty thinking with the guidance of a mental health professional.  What about our children?

Examine how you may be perpetuating the misguided notion that perfection is the only valuable performance goal.  Reduce the frequency of your use of the word perfect.  How many events, behaviors, grades and performances can be perfect?  Again, overuse of this term sets up unrealistic expectations for our children!  It can actually negate the small victories that drive sustained motivation towards the bigger goal.  It also may lead to a rigidly structured life that over-emphasizes the value of delayed gratification and cements a pattern of chronic disappointment when the rewards are finally granted.  Protect your children from these unnecessary assaults to their self-esteem. Teach them to celebrate each step that is completed towards the larger goal. Reinforce their uniqueness but refrain from idolizing them as perfect.

I believe that our goal both as adults and parents needs to be balance – strive to give your personal best and create meaningful relationships.  Also develop a conscious awareness and acceptance of your vulnerabilities without judging them.  That is a much more attainable goal than the illusion of perfection! 

Understanding Bipolar Disorder

Are you plagued by significant mood swings that surprise even you? Do you feel as if your emotions have a life of their own, meaning that simple anger can escalate into rage in minutes?  Is it common for you to feel either boundless bursts of energy or debilitating fatigue?  Among my clients, one of the most widely misunderstood and feared diagnoses is Bipolar Disorder.  Let’s understand what it is, its’ symptoms and treatment options. 

Simply put, the definitive feature of Bipolar Disorder is the cycling of polar opposite emotions (think ecstasy/despair or rage/meekness).  Humans experience a broad spectrum of emotions, although individuals with Bipolar Disorder report experiencing cycles of emotional extremes.  Many individuals report feeling “crazy” because, despite their best attempts to balance their thoughts and feelings, their emotions frequently overpower their thoughts and drive unwanted behaviors.  A diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder is not based upon a single snapshot in time but rather, observation of patterns of behaviors characteristic of both depression and mania.  To receive this diagnosis a myriad of diagnostic criteria must be met.  Let’s briefly examine the symptoms of depression and mania.

Depression

I doubt that anyone who has experienced life is unfamiliar with feeling depressed. Today the term depression will be limited to the experience of an overwhelming sadness and even despair regarding the past and present as well as a profound sense of hopelessness regarding the future.  Behaviors associated with depression can include sleep disruption, appetite impairment (too much or too little) and inability to focus and/or concentrate.  Often an individual may question whether life is worth living and possibly become 
actively suicidal.  Emotions may range from irritation to rage, 
increased tearfulness to feeling  “numb.”  Social isolation frequently occurs, as does a noticeable disengagement from  once pleasurable activities.  For example, the avid runner may stop all physical activity.  Physical symptoms like unexplained pain, gastrointestinal distress and migraines may appear without obvious triggers. 

Mania

The polar opposite of depression is mania.  Some hallmarks of mania include: scattered thoughts (so many wonderful ideas that you cannot focus on just one) and heightened creativity (many projects are begun but not completed).  Speech may be pressured (you interrupt others while they are speaking because you have too much to say and no time to waste) and emotions run high (bouts of uncontrollable laughing or crying).  Sleep and appetite may become erratic based upon elevated energy levels.  There is also frequently an increased motivation to engage in reckless behaviors like speeding, daring sports and/or illegal activity without
considering the possible consequences. Physical symptoms may include a sense of restlessness (feels like an engine is running inside of you), irritability (shorter than normal fuse), agitation and increased anxiety (nervousness, racing heart, sweaty palms & pacing).

Cycles

A qualification of Bipolar Disorder is an observed history of both mania and depression. An individual’s transition from depression to mania and vice versa is known as cycling.

While some individuals may experience both mood states at the same time, that is not common. Cycles are directly related to brain chemistry and therefore are specific to each person.  A cycle may occur several times a day to once per year.  Again, this is highly dependent on the individual.  Often my clients will report feeling restless or agitated and/or significantly fatigued prior to the onset of a cycle. An increased vulnerability to self-medicate through alcohol, food, illegal drugs, promiscuity or gambling may occur in an attempt to mask these uncomfortable feelings during a transition.

Origins

Bipolar Disorder is a physiological imbalance within the brain.  Some research suggests that there may also be structural abnormalities within the brain. Research findings also predict a genetic contribution among blood relatives.  There is an equal likelihood of occurrence among males and females.  Stress, significant life events and a history of significant childhood trauma may also contribute to the development of Bipolar Disorder. 

Treatment Options

Clearly Bipolar Disorder is a dis-equilibrium in the naturally occurring neurochemicals within the brain.  Therefore a primary treatment consideration is effective medication management.  Psychiatrists specialize in highly specific medication protocols that are tailored to an individual’s symptom profile.  It is not uncommon to be prescribed a mood stabilizer as well as an antidepressant and perhaps an anti-anxiety medication.  As a patient, it is vital to develop an open and collaborative relationship with your psychiatrist in order to effectively manage your symptoms.
   

Therapy is the second component of treatment. Mood swings can be exhausting not only for the client, but also for those that they love.  Ongoing therapeutic support that combines identifying and then understanding the cycles and the accompanying risky behavioral responses is the first step in mood management.  The next step is learning and then implementing less risky behaviors as alternative coping strategies.  Research indicates exponentially greater success when a team approach to treatment is utilized.

An obstacle to treatment is often a client’s reluctance to forgo the manic cycle.  Although maladaptive, it had often served as motivation for task accomplishment as well as increased feelings of well being. Similar to the patient-psychiatrist relationship, the client-therapist relationship must also feel comfortable and collaborative.  A client’s treatment team often becomes an enduring relationship.

Conclusion

The stigma attached to Bipolar Disorder needs to be eradicated! The fears attached to being labeled “crazy” prevent far too many individuals who would benefit from treatment to seek it out.  Stereotypes of “crazy” within the entertainment industry have reinforced the stigma. Why?  Mania has been sensationalized!

The Oscar award winning film, Silver Linings Playbook has begun to challenge this stigma.  Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence and Robert DeNiro brought to life the real struggle of Bipolar Disorder within families.  Catherine Zeta-Jones, Robin Williams, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Jane Pauley are celebrities who have publicized their personal challenges in managing their cycles.  Their goal has been to “break down the stigma.” 

The diagnosis itself does not necessarily limit personal growth and success.  Once an individual understands and takes responsibility for their symptoms, effective management begins.  Refusing or halfheartedly following a treatment regime will ultimately impact relationship, professional and personal success. 

If this post has raised questions about yourself or someone you love, don’t delay – schedule an appointment with your physician and/or a licensed psychologist.  NOW is the perfect time!