Life Lessons From March Madness

Since last Thursday many of us have been glued to our televisions, our computers and our brackets engaged in the cultural phenomenon known as March Madness.  Why?  I believe that we watch for very personal reasons – a love of collegiate sports, reliving dreams of our long lost youth, the excitement of competition, a social outlet and a renewed connection to regional loyalty.  This post will discuss some parallels between the underpinnings of March Madness and life transitions.  Hopefully it will add yet another dimension to your viewing experience, and if you have not yet become a fan, will encourage you to pick up the remote as the Sweet 16 is fast approaching!

An overwhelming concern of many of my clients in mid-life (40-50’s) is an absence of passion in their lives.  Their dreams have been realized; established and loving relationships, successful careers and nearly grown children. They are floundering about the next step.   Many cannot identify the last time they felt passion about anything. A lack of passion is also an overwhelming concern of my emerging adult (19-24) clients.  Their struggle differs in that they worry whether they will ever feel passion.  Their journey is about initial discovery, the mid-lifers is about rediscovery. 

 

Let’s look at the players on any team in the NCAA tournament.  Certainly they possess immense technical talent, the benefits of world class coaching, equally talented teammates and a love of basketball.  That being said each and every day teams with significantly lower seeds upset teams considered to be more elite.  Bad luck or poor calls by the refs cannot be the only explanations for the upsets.  One could contend that the lower seeds experience less performance anxiety because they enter the game as underdogs.  Therefore, they are less cautious and so are less likely to make errors based upon nerves.  I would suggest that teams are equally matched in the areas of felt anxiety and the resultant adrenaline rush when engaged in a heated battle.

The agony of defeat is also equally felt regardless of the seed, especially in a one or two point game.  When the higher seed loses, there is a sense of disbelief and embarrassment.  The lower seeds although disappointed, expected that outcome. However, I have observed a visible difference in the thrill of victory demonstrated by the underdog turned victor.  Their victories represent a dream realized rather than an expected stepping-stone to the playoffs.  I would like to suggest that March Madness undisputedly exemplifies the magical power of dreams! Dreams fuel the passion that drives the discipline and tenacity required to make them a reality.  Initially, the lower seeded teams feel victorious just to be asked to the dance whereas the higher seeded teams expect the invitation.  Their expectation is winning it all.  The difference is that the lower seeded teams enter tournament play hungry for a victory.  Temple led into the final seconds of the game, as did Iowa State, Butler and CAL.  Often when their dreams neared reality, high anxiety set in and their games faltered.

In adulthood we often become our own worst enemy.  We become so involved in leaping over the next steppingstone to success that we frequently forget to dream. A life without passion is a life without dreams to fuel the emotions.  We forget how it feels to hunger for the seemingly unattainable.  Based upon our successes, we expect to excel and therefore the anxiety that keeps us alert and productive often wanes.

The emerging adult so fears the embarrassment of the “missed shot” that they convince themselves that “shooting” is overrated.  That precludes them from ever being invited to the dance because they do not enlist the discipline required to prove the technical competence that would ensure an invitation.

Many authors are now focused on effective teamwork as the pivotal lessons learned from March Madness that need to be applied to the corporate arena.  I believe that long before focusing on teamwork, disruptive innovative thought that morphs from dreams and its concomitant passion needs to be harnessed.  A team without a mutual goal is merely a set of individual superstars. 

 

To my clients, present or potential, I challenge you to pick up your remotes and witness the possibility of dreams coming true.  The players’ passions are contagious, their tenacity inspiring and their emotions are laid bare on the court.  Allow yourselves the opportunity to dream and passion will soon follow.  Invest the time and energy to that end by removing the barriers that prevent this process from occurring. 

 

Every year I am excited for March Madness…don’t miss out on a great live opportunity to experience a renewed spirit and a healthy dose of inspiration! 

Confusion -The Hidden Gem of the Emerging Adult

Many emerging adults ages 16-24 are anxious and confused yet feel isolated in their suffering. Anxiety attached to feeling confused has become the dirty little secret that replaced emergent sexuality and underage drinking of generations past. Who fits this profile? This post explains that confusion is an essential element of this life stage that functions as a catalyst for growth. Therefore, it is the anxiety attached to feeling confused rather than the confusion itself that actually inhibits this process of healthy development. 

The young adults of whom I speak are often very accomplished, having been groomed since elementary school to excel in at least one sport, a fine art and boasting stellar academic records replete with the maximum possible number of Advanced Placements units. Many have equally impressive records of community service, maintain full social calendars and are considered Ivy League college candidates. 

A difference emerges among these candidates with respect to their parents. In one camp are young adults walking in the footsteps of their professional parents; in another are young adults carrying the added burden of setting a new standard for their families when it comes to academic and intellectual achievement.

Parents are not the singular force behind creating young adults who feel enormous pressure to embrace what lies before them. Certainly the practice of creating a resume has been either initiated or reinforced by well-intentioned educators and guidance counselors. These are cultural norms developed by adults who want to streamline the process for their children. Yet most adults can recall key missteps that created for them significant opportunity. Why deny the next generation this life experience? 

Erik Erikson, an infamous psychological scholar identified eight psychosocial life stages that form a healthy personality. Two salient stages in this discussion are Identity versus Role Confusion (ages 13-18) and Intimacy versus Isolation (ages 18-40ish). These stages have specific expectations for growth: exploring who we are and what we believe and then branching out and connecting deeply with a mate or through significant friendships. My clients appreciate knowing that what they are feeling has been identified as healthy in Erikson’s theory. 

Many of my young adult clients feel significant amounts of anxiety when the path that heretofore was finely crafted becomes an anchor cementing them to the past. They have often discovered a passion that better fits who they have become. Frequently they need to change majors, or perhaps transfer to a completely different academic institution. Socially, they may feel less connected to their established circle of friends who may have not questioned their path and are seemingly content. As a result, they either become isolated or assume the façade that life is great. One path is active isolation, the other - equally damaging - is emotional detachment.

How do young adults admit to their parents that they may feel confused and/or that they have deviated from the course they jointly crafted? Some young adults avoid the topic; others sabotage themselves by failing; some become physically ill in anticipation of the backlash; and a few, especially if they are rounding out the developmental stage of Identity versus Role Confusion, confidently lay their cards out on the table. The act of exposing their situation is of great value in establishing their identity and autonomy. Parents, on the other hand, often call my office and accuse me of undermining their authority! 

My suggestions to the young adults are two-fold. Rejoice in your confusion because how would you arrive at certainty without it? Understand that it is a component of a vital developmental stage. Also understand that remaining confused is equally as detrimental as following a preordained path that doesn’t fit! You will not magically arrive at the next stage of your journey. You must stay actively engaged in the process of not only exploring options, but also trying them on for size! That feeling is better labeled excitement, rather than anxiety generated from dread or boredom!  My second suggestion is to break the silence with your peers! That is how your relationships transcend the superficial and become significant – your next developmental challenge. 

Allow your parents the opportunity to understand the underpinnings of your angst. It is unfair to blame and dump your anxiety and anger in their laps and then smugly walk away. Engage in many conversations through SKYPE if you are away at school or face-to-face if you are local. This conversation would not ideally be had over the phone or through email. Engaging in self-sabotage through failing, illness and/or avoidance diminishes the credibility of your assertion to pursue your chosen path. Parents want their children to be happy and successful. Extend to them some time to shift gears and embrace your journey. In the meantime, continue to address your anxiety through self-care (diet, exercise, & adequate sleep), doing the difficult work in therapy and nourishing your friendships. You ultimately are responsible for your life choices so honor the process!

Can Your Child Really Come Home Again - Part II

Have you drawn your own conclusions?  Hopefully if you were firmly entrenched in your position prior to reading this post, you now see that there are two equally valid positions on this topic! The most important take away from Part One is realizing that our purest motivations (love and connection) can be painfully misinterpreted when our actions and reactions are driven by fear of loss.  Many people are able to understand that principle regarding our mates, less so with our children.  Therein lies the challenge.

Suggestions for Moms:

If we desire to nourish a healthy relationship with our emerging adult, as a mom it is imperative that we personally acknowledge life’s reality: our child is becoming an adult! The same rules of engagement (respect, consideration, compromise, and cooperation) to which we adhere when interacting with our peers must also be extended to our nearly adult child.   A second important mindset that was never really healthy, but now must be discarded is the notion that our child’s behavior and success/failure is a direct reflection of our value as a parent.  To continue to adopt this belief recreates a significantly toxic environment that not only smothers potential (both yours and your child’s) but also signals to your child that you will not tolerate their emerging independence.  In this case the underlying message the mother sends to her child is: to love me is to become me – the antithesis of individuation!  The emerging adult MUST leave, become disingenuous or regress.  None of these options are tolerable.  

Holding onto this correlation: If independent (emergent adult) then abandonment (mother) is a fear that developed long before the birth of your child.  The reality is that when independence is respected, the likelihood of increased connection is exponentially increased! If your love for your child has not historically been conditional, why would your child now love you conditionally?  In other words, realize that when your child left you did not stop loving him/her, so why would your child stop loving you?  If you have come to realize that your love was conditional apologize and simply stop loving based upon what you expect to receive in return!  For love to be genuine, it must be freely given! It is time to have confidence in yourself and your child.  If you continue to react assuaging your fear of abandonment you PUSH them away!  

Knowing that your child will eventually leave you, do not forego your newly crafted life.  The connections you have formed at a time when you felt so confused and vulnerable need to be nourished.  They will continue to support you when your child again takes flight, therefore, do not take them for granted!  Remember how it feels to sense abandonment so don’t do it to your children. 

Suggestions for the Emerging Adult:

Hopefully you now better understand the multiple challenges your mother continues to face in an attempt to appropriately channel her love and affection for you. You must not manipulate the situation.  Do your best not to send mixed messages!  If you want your independence to be respected demonstrate that you are less self-centered: do your own laundry, express appreciation for her home cooked meals and at least occasionally fill her gas tank!  Display your love for her and reinforce that her place in your heart is not negotiable.  Compliment the growth you’ve seen in her and genuinely convey your desire to understand her experience of letting you go. Be neither afraid of her tears nor assume that they are tears of sadness!  She wiped your countless tears throughout the years, now you repay the favor!  Realize that she mustered the courage to let you go and she also created a new life for herself.

Assume a healthy leadership role.  Initiate conversations, suggest new approaches to more equitably divide household labor, and inject humor rather than criticism.  Display assertiveness rather than aggressiveness! The most powerful expression of maturity is through your actions.  Rather than demand respect, demonstrate that you deserve it and likewise are willing to give it, especially if historically you withheld it!

Suggestions for Interactions:

As a family unit, talk constructively, display effort, and an authentic willingness to compromise and collaborate.  Restate your mutual commitment.  Most importantly, understand that both of you are sharing a parallel journey. Everyday will not be a home run, in fact you may consecutively strike out.  The only loss would be allowing your occasional frustration with the process to overshadow your ultimate goal of a transformed connection.  Also understand that with time fears of abandonment diminish, distance becomes irrelevant and the cherished grandchild will eventually supersede even this most primal relationship!! 

Can Your Child Really Come Home Again?

When a grown child returns to the family home after attending college or pursuing their career, do they return as “the child” or an emerging adult? Do their moms once again revert to “mommy” or is their newly developed independence respected?  Depending upon the expectations of both parties, returning home for either the summer or post-graduation may be wrought with unnecessary conflict.

Mom’s Conundrum:

All moms initially struggle with the process of actually letting their child walk out the door. Feelings are often dichotomous: pride and excitement that their “baby” is ready to launch and sadness about the loss.  Feelings of anxiety?  That is a prerequisite for motherhood and finely honed with each developmental milestone their child experiences!  Facing what often feels like the final threshold of motherhood, the natural tendency is to tighten - if not securely knot - those apron strings in an attempt to turn back time.  It is less about retaining power and more frequently about fearing abandonment!  This grief is palpable and normal. Acclimating to the empty nest is a process of rediscovering independence and redefining the parameters of motherhood. Despite careful planning, entering this stage is challenging and often extremely confusing and difficult.

Child’s Conundrum:

The emerging adult also experiences a dichotomy of feelings as they climb into adulthood. Hopefully their primary feeling is excitement fueled by the anticipation of independence - the drive to separate from their mother is normal and healthy!  Fear of the unknown and anxiety related to the loss of their predictable security is also expected.  Understand that for the emerging adult, the journey of individuating occurs over years and is often not completed until the death of their parents. How does the far more independent and self-reliant emerging adult return home after completing a year or more of college and continue to develop their independence?  It is even developmentally appropriate to return to a household where levels of accountability remain unchanged?  

The Interaction Dilemma:

Under optimal circumstances, both mother and child would be able to openly renegotiate house rules and responsibilities.  Since they both are on parallel journeys of increasing independence, they could motivate and support each other. This condition presents a wellspring of opportunity for mutual appreciation and camaraderie.

Unfortunately, in my practice, the less than ideal experience of conflict is often the case.  Theoretically, the turmoil centers on role confusion.  The emerging adult returns home to their favorite meals, built-in laundry service, full gas tanks and often more free time than to which they’ve become accustomed.  Mom initially delights in caregiving as she temporarily rewinds the hands of time, often not missing a beat into the all-encompassing role that once defined her as a “good” mother. The best of the family dynamics are resurrected! 

At some point, the honeymoon ends and power struggles begin. Curfews, chores and seemingly arbitrary demands are once again not well received by a now emerging adult.  The independence once celebrated suddenly has qualifications:  do they assertively move forward? Or relinquish their personal power and return to the marginally obedient teen?  Frequently another harsh reality is that their dependency is real.  They are not in a financial position to assert total independence and that reality often erodes their confidence at a time when it was building momentum!  When their mom reminds them of their dependency as an assertion of her power with comments such as: “ When you live under MY roof, you obey MY rules,” the likelihood of oppositional behavior returning is exponentially increased! Ultimately the emerging adult is trapped in the very situation they once felt compelled to leave.

Mothers are equally confused.  She grieved losing her baby and often turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to the reality of their child’s experiences in the world in order to sleep nights .  Perhaps they re-entered the workforce, pursued a passion or reconnected socially with similarly situated empty nesters.  The daily demands of the household probably shifted in frequency.  They may even have given up checking their phones “just in case [the son/daughter] called.”  Relationships of all varieties became more spontaneous.  Independence born by default morphed into a fairly natural state of self-acceptance.  Then their child returned home! 

The struggle is often fueled by an immense love that has been forced to be displayed in less intrusive ways.  So why wouldn’t the natural inclination be to once again unleash it with gusto? Great for a while, but the astute woman realizes somewhere between laundry and meal prep that perhaps this part of motherhood was not all that enjoyable.  Add the guilt attached to this realization as well as guilt attached to forfeiting some if not all of her social spontaneity and the seeds of her discontent also resurface!  Frequently moms don’t realize just how tightly they secured their apron strings and attempted to force compliance in rather arbitrary ways: it rarely worked when her child was a teen  - what makes her think it will work now?  Moms are also painfully well aware that eventually their emerging adult will once again take flight. Attempting to ease the anxiety attached to this event, they either potentially smother their child while they have them or reinforce the notion of dependency to somehow diminish this possibility.

The question remains: can your child really come home again?  In part two of this post I will provide some suggestions that may ease the impact of this seemingly temporary derailment in mutual growth.  Hopefully you will be able to draw your own conclusions as to its probability!

The Importance of a Shared Vision in Relationships

In “ The Gambler” Kenny Rogers sings know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.  Kenny references poker but the statement is equally salient regarding relationships.  There is a time when the admirable traits of commitment and perseverance can become misdirected into unhealthy dependence and sheer stubbornness.  If you feel confused about when to hold on versus when to let go you are not alone!

Perhaps your confusion is justified because timing is not the primary concern when determining the viability of your relationship.  Isn’t the true question what are you holding onto?  I believe a fundamental component of a healthy relationship is a shared vision.  It personifies not only the couple’s identity but also their values.  This post explores the dynamic quality of a shared vision as well as the deleterious effects if and when the vision ceases to be shared.

When two individuals become a couple they share a vision of how their relationship will be defined as well as its ultimate goal.  These would include dreams, values, hopes and wishes as well as ground rules for behaviors such as fidelity and honesty.  Mutual agreement constitutes the contract or code of conduct for the relationship.  The most favorable approach would be to openly discuss expectations as well as boundaries early in the relationship. Failing to discuss expectations can lead to possibly erroneous assumptions that could later significantly jeopardize a potentially healthy relationship.

A shared vision is refined throughout the course of the relationship, but it must remain MUTUAL.  Wise relationship maintenance involves periodically revisiting the current vision.  If either person notices differences that did not previously exist, this may indicate at the very least a misinterpretation of the vision or, more significantly, a deviation in the level of investment.  If a couple cannot reach a shared understanding as to a perceived change in their vision, then at that point it may be a wise investment of time and resources to speak to a trained professional. If either refuses…HUGE RED FLAG!

When there is a breakdown in the vision additional red flags may become evident.  Often they serve as a mechanism to either avoid the reality of the difference, draw attention to the difference, or force a shown down. 

Avoiding the reality of a differing vision is often observed in a marked change in communication patterns that illustrate a shift in priorities.  The general theme is a move away from spontaneity and toward orchestration.  Calls go to voice mail, text message replies are delayed and there may be more promises made but they are not realized.  There may also be an increasing pattern of what I call “legitimate amnesia.”  Significant events the couple once celebrated are either denied as being important or completely dismissed due to unavoidable professional, familial, recreational, or educational commitments.  Often it is highlighted by an overall disinterest in compromise and seemingly a disregard for their partner’s feelings.

In reaction to these avoidant behaviors, the other partner may engage in behaviors that draw attention to their perception of a shift in the couple’s vision.  If there has been a misinterpretation of the vision, this approach may be successful.  However, if the avoidance was intentional, the likelihood for increasingly hostile responses from the avoidant partner is magnified; especially during conversations that may address these concerns.  The scenario may look like this: Partner one repeats either the need to talk or weaves this observed difference in vision into benign conversations. Partner two accuses partner one of intentionally nagging, picking, or belittling.  Partner two then limits interactions or, while engaging, becomes busy at the precise time a significant discussion begins. Partner one feels isolated, lonely and/or misunderstood.

By default, new guidelines for communication have been established.   Range of acceptable topics may become narrower as well as less detailed. Emotion is not tolerated.  Spontaneity and depth are replaced with superficiality and boredom.  At this point in the relationship, the partner who is not content with fostering continued denial might levy ultimatums in a final attempt to draw attention to the severity of the state of the relationship and the deterioration of the shared vision.

The final straw may occur when either partner least expects it.  Frequently it is over something trivial that has become the depository for ongoing pain and frustration.  It isn’t about taking out the trash, or programming the sprinklers or feeding the pets.  Know that these critical events rarely “come out of the blue.” This pattern of indirectly confronting difference or change is unhealthy.  If this situation is not an isolated incident, seek out couple’s therapy.  Do not assume that this is merely a communication issue!  Most likely there are issues involving respect and power within this relationship that actually predate your relationship.

In conclusion, be willing to compromise regarding the details of your shared vision.  Be considerate of your partner’s individuality in executing the vision. If there was a mutually stated goal of forever, exercise the tenacity to work out the details.  Be willing to compromise and renegotiate the vision as long as your identity is not sacrificed in this process. 

However, when it becomes clear to you as the partner that the vision has shifted, do not hesitate to initiate discussion and if indicated solicit professional support.  If you are met with refusal or half hearted commitment, take action to prevent further heartache to both partners.   It is virtually impossible to be the sole keeper of an obsolete shared vision and remain emotionally healthy!  If you find yourself in this situation, have the courage to know that perhaps now is precisely when to fold ‘em.