The Value in Teaching Your Child How to Fail

Our generation, primarily as a knee–jerk reaction to the more harsh parenting techniques that we as children endured, have raised a generation that believes that they can succeed at most everything, are perfect the way they are and really expect to win without expending the necessary effort to truly savor the victory.

This is a slight exaggeration, although it is primarily true. As parents we anguish when our child suffers. Good parents attempt to shelter their child not only from physical, but mental and emotional harm. In its purest form this is exemplary. My question is how does that prepare our precious ones for the world?

Children are cruel. Once your child steps onto the school playground, harsh reality checks begin and for the most part, go uncensored. Unfortunately these reality checks are rarely accurate because their peers, who are of the same generation and who safeguard their own egos at any cost, levy them. Is your child prepared to cope with this embarrassment and blow to their confidence?

Peers, especially as your child enters the tween years and beyond carries much more clout than their parents. What can be created is a dissonance within the child that actually inadvertently lowers their self-esteem. The dissonance is the dichotomy between “I am great” as told to them by their parents and “I don’t measure up,” freely expressed to them by their peers.

This generation is unfortunately at a distinct disadvantage when the real competition begins in high school, college, and ultimately in the corporate world. If a child is shielded from experiencing the agony of defeat, of losing or failing, the perceived impact on them when it inevitably occurs can be devastating as well as over-exaggerated. For example, observe the child who doesn’t get a trophy for coming in fourth place in Little League, or who’s parents don’t complete or help them complete challenging homework and so rather than receiving an ‘A’ they receive a ‘C’ on that particular assignment. By most standards this child failed relative to their peers. Yet, when these children face defeat later in life, they have mental and emotional templates to fall back on that assists them in coping with the hurtful feelings and temporary embarrassment. They can successfully reason with themselves in a very believable way that this event is not catastrophic because they have already been in a similar situation and persevered.

The college coed who lacks such a template because they have never been allowed to fail can develop aversions to challenge, become depressed, panicked and even completely surrender when placed in an academic or athletic environment inhabited by many superstars besides themselves. They often do not know how to express and/or normalize their pain and embarrassment because they have no template... and quite often their parents are not close enough to give them the support they so desperately require.

As adults, how many of you have witnessed this in your own professional environment? Who protests the loudest about inequities in bonus structures, advancement requirements, and workloads? Very often, it is the individual who possesses an over-inflated perception of self and no drive to prove their worth. Those roots run long and deep…long before their most recent promotion. For these individuals, consultation with a licensed professional provides the most opportunity for growth.

So what is the solution as parents? Monitor your children’s activities. Notice whether their activities are unbalanced, meaning that little effort is required of them because your child is a superstar. If they are gifted in sports, add an activity where they may need to struggle to advance. If they are excellent writers, challenge them with math and/or science. The key here is exposure and balance. A child is very able to assess their skill level compared to their peers. Do not over-inflate their accomplishments when they are mediocre. That does not mean that you need to be harsh, it means that you need to be honest.

The parents that I have had the privilege of working with share a universal desire to raise children who, when they leave their nests, have acquired the life skills to cope gracefully with both failure and success. Part of that learning curve is enduring the pain of witnessing your child struggle and the comfort lies in your ability to guide them through it. We have relatively few years to accomplish this goal, so while holding them tightly - be their most honest critic as well as their most loyal fan!

The Power of Should

Do you find yourself engaged in an internal dialogue that sounds something like: “I should (fill in the blank)?” If so, is your should list accomplished to your satisfaction, or is it a combination of years of seemingly important actions that have yet to take place?

The self-talk attached to feeling unable to accomplish the things we feel we should be able to accomplish is a direct assault on our self-esteem. Why? Simply stated, because as children we were taught right from wrong, in other words, what we should or should not do. Often, the bulk of these “shoulds" were NOT a source of debate - but an expectation. Failure and/or undesirable consequences were often connected with our inability to follow these rules. These rules of conduct were internalized by our psyches as an integral component in the formation of our conscience.

To become an emotionally mature and independent individual we need to identify the shoulds in our lives, question their ongoing applicability to our current life and either discard them as archaic, or “own” them as a component of our adult identity.

To discard or own… THAT is the question. An approach that has proven successful in my practice has been a three-prong approach of identification, challenge, and then rewording the core belief if applicable. Begin by keeping a running list of the shoulds that you either articulate to others or keep batting about within your mind. Step two is to challenge each line item with why should I? For instance if one of your shoulds is: “ I should make my bed every morning.” Ask yourself why should I make my bed every morning? If the answer is this is not my priority, then discard that should. If you do believe making your bed is important, then drop the should mandate and replace it with either need or want. Both of these words reinforce not only ownership, but also priority.

Ultimately what you have accomplished in this process is another aspect of individuating – taking responsibility for your actions not because you were told to but because you made a conscious choice as an adult. You can expect that your resolutions will have greater traction because they are yours rather than someone else’s that should be your priority.

This concept is also very applicable in the professional arena. How about your conversations with your direct reports, your fellow managers, and your peers? Do you find yourself telling them what they should do? Are their responses positive and proactive? How is this approach working for you?

Should is a word that is laced with undertones of incompetence and judgment. To the receiver of the should it can be seen either as a challenge to exceed expectations to prove competence or rebellion to reinforce personal autonomy. This one word may inadvertently push buttons from childhood in the recipient that actually promotes dissension not motivation. If ownership and buy-in is your goal, try substituting should with need and/or want. Notice if there is a shift in morale and higher productivity. I predict that you will optimize your ability to inspire a sense of renewed commitment and cooperation that will improve your bottom-line.

These steps in taking ownership of your shoulds may appear to be quick and easy - but execution is sometimes complicated by your early life experiences. If you feel challenged by this transition, reach out to a licensed psychologist for assistance rather than continuing to tell yourself: “I SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHANGE ON MY OWN.”

Great Changes Are Happening In My Life...So Where's My Mojo?

One of the most frequently asked questions in my practice centers around the notion that a positive life transition must be continually met with happiness and enthusiasm. This is an interesting phenomenon that deserves some clarification.

The media often portrays only the positive emotions related to major life transitions such as pursuing a degree, leaving our parent’s home as a young adult, receiving that much anticipated promotion or corner office, marriage and even retirement. There is often the inference that if you are not feeling similarly then you must lack self-confidence, charisma or even worse, must be suffering from depression. Why? because dichotomous thoughts and feelings don’t sell the new wardrobe, the prestigious vehicle, or the sexy vacation that a major life transition promises to afford.

What is seldom discussed is that all change requires not only our bodies but our psyches time to recalibrate. The equilibrium of what was “normal” is temporarily thrown off course. The stress attached to recalibration may cause our immune systems to weaken and despite proper self care target us for minor colds and flus precisely when we often feel motivated to “go the distance.”

Our psyches (thoughts and feelings) must also find a new set point. Regardless of the positive nature of the change, there is loss. Why? Our sense of the predictability of our world is temporarily thrown into a spin cycle. One change in our routines often brings a cascade effect of other unimagined changes. We need to redefine, sometimes in a major way, sometimes in a minor way, our new “normal.” We require time to grieve the losses that accompany this marvelous change. It is okay and even necessary to reconsider our choice, feel less confident and possibly more anxious for a reasonable amount of time. If there are many changes that result from a career change for instance, the longer it may take to regain a true sense of confidence and excitement.

In this instance grief does not equal depression. If a person denies this temporary internal conflict between thoughts, feelings, and motivation it may possibly manifest down the road as depression. That is why it is important to recognize and label these feelings as grief and this transition as a recalibration. Unfortunately, high achievers often just push themselves harder, longer and faster when this is an appropriate time to conserve your resources and allow yourself some time to grieve the chapters that have closed in anticipation of new beginnings.

If those around you are merely focused on the positive potential of your change, it may be a wise investment of your time and resources to seek some professional guidance to effectively work through the recalibration phase. This is one instance when proactive intervention can make the difference between grief as a reaction to life versus grief that left unattended morphs into depression.