September heralds the end of the lazy days of summer and the
beginning of the traditional academic calendar.
This reality presents a mixed bag of emotions not only for students, but
also parents. Today’s post will focus on some tips to remember as you launch
your child into uncharted territory. The following post will focus on parental
reactions.
Pre-School/Kindergarten
Careful planning, visits to the school and classroom,
clothes shopping and embellishing the positive
associations of school (fun activities, friends & big boy/girl status) are
often initially clouded by the reality of separation from mom and/or dad. Remember that young children do not adhere to
the same sense of time that we as adults know too well. Three hours in their young lives, especially
when missing their primary love attachments feels like a lifetime!
Some children will march right off on the first day and
seemingly not look back only to balk the following Monday after the first
weekend home. Other children will
become emotional, yet - with some expert teacher/aide distractions - will settle
once their parent leaves. Another
possible scenario is that your child bounces out of the car and excitedly
enters his/her classroom only to be met by several classmates who are experiencing
a meltdown, prompting your child to follow suit. All of
these scenarios may feel extremely frustrating yet are very normal!
Some Useful Tips
Exercise patience and keep your own separation anxiety under
wraps. Do not underestimate your child’s sensitivity to your mood, a tear in
your eye or even your hesitancy to leave him/her. Resist the temptation to cruise the parking
lot hoping to catch a glimpse of your child at play. Even a preschool child can recognize the
family vehicle and this sighting may escalate an existing meltdown or heighten your
child’s anticipation of returning home.
Make certain that you are either early or on time to pick up
your child at the end of their school day!
Especially if they suffer from separation anxiety, do not tell them how
much you missed them. This is not
about you! Avoid talking about what
“fun” activities their younger siblings engaged in while he/she was at school. Initially, down play life at home to highlight
that school is the more engaging option. Make “special” time with your child to
learn about their day. Rather than
focusing on a possibly frustrating emotional first day, praise your child’s
positive moments and reassure him/her that tomorrow will be a great day.
Until your child adapts to the new environment, do not overbook
them! Lunch with the playgroup may be a
great idea, but not the first week of school!
Depending on your child’s adaptability to school, reintroduce structured
activities like sports, music and dance gradually. Recall the last time you
embarked on a new adventure. Even
amazing experiences initially require a considerable amount of emotional
energy. The same holds true for your
child!
What about rewarding your child for staying in the classroom
or not having a meltdown? This can be a
delicate situation. There is a fine line
between bribing your child and rewarding them.
Commemorating their first school experience with a keepsake (video games
aren’t not commemorative) is a great idea if it is not conditional. Bribing a child during a meltdown often
reinforces their association of high emotion and rewards. Remember: there are many years of first days
of school ahead and this could be very unhealthy and costly (emotionally and
practically).
If your child continues to have unrelenting adjustment
issues as the first month of school approaches, perhaps a re-evaluation for
school readiness would be appropriate.
Elementary Years
You made it through the kindergarten year but do not be
surprised if entering first grade causes similar issues. Again, the goal in treating separation
anxiety is to work with the anxiety rather than react against it. Reassure and express love and confidence in
your child’s abilities. Quite often, the
adjustment process is minimized with each school year.
Exceptions to this rule of thumb would be during times of
transitions at home. Deaths, births,
major illnesses, divorce, major changes in a family’s financial situation, relocations
and even the addition of a family pet may cause a temporary escalation of
separation anxiety. Keep your child’s
teacher in the loop and, if necessary, do not hesitate to seek professional
support for your child.
Sudden resistance to school may be related to poor peer
interactions, academic problems and/or some escalation of insecurity. As your child moves into the tween years,
physical development and hormonal changes must also be considered. Supervise but do not hover!
Junior High and High School
Understand at these developmental stages, it is very uncool
to display anxiety and/or insecurity.
Most teens would rather eat a balanced meal than have their parent
visible on the first day of school even though they secretly desire
support. Expect the anxiety to surface
as moodiness, a hypercritical attitude, multiple wardrobe changes prior to
leaving the house, meltdowns that focus on body image and uncharacteristic
nastiness toward younger siblings.
The first day of tryouts, first dances of the school year
and the first rounds of exams and report cards are also potential precipitating
events that may cause heightened anxiety and the internal conflict of needing support
versus not wanting to accept it.
Enlist the same tips for dealing with separation
anxiety. Back off from extra-curricular
activities, regulate sleep and eating routines, and remain connected. If your child has become noticeably more
independent, perhaps this is an appropriate time to schedule “down time”
together. Again, if anxiety persists and
is coupled with plummeting self-esteem, do not hesitate to seek professional
advice.
Concluding Thoughts
The beginning of the school year often marks the passage of
time in very tangible ways. Look at the
photos you have snapped each year on your child’s “ first day.” Realize that most children and parents have
mixed emotions about this transition.
Whether your child is obviously impacted or makes seamless transitions,
your connection to them is very much present even if it doesn’t appear obvious
on the surface.
School is to children as work is to an adult. Memories from your “first days” may be an
extremely useful guide to how to assist your child in their transition. Regardless of our age, when faced with a new
challenge, we all benefit from empathy, support and reassurance from those who
love us most. Patience is never more
necessary and valued than at these times.
Happy first weeks of school!!! Stay tuned for the care givers perspective!
