Are your discussions with your mate or significant other leaving you feeling less than satisfied? It may be wise to step back and assess your motives for the conversation. Are you entering into the conversation to gain insight, persuade the other of your superior viewpoint, or to emotionally connect with your mate?
Ideally each conversation may be viewed as an opportunity to connect emotionally as well as gain insight into the other person. If that be the case, positive outcomes are more certainly expected. The content, although troubling at times, will be understood and accepted if there is a strong emotional connection built upon mutual trust and respect. Differences of opinion may then be viewed as an extension of individuality rather than as a threat to the relationship.
If your goal is persuasion, understand that resolution may not necessarily go in the direction that you anticipated. Speaking over, interrupting, stonewalling, or dismissing your mate's opinions may lead to defensiveness. Once a defensive stance is assumed by either party, effective communication is severely compromised. Defensiveness interrupts the natural flow of the conversation. It is much easier at that point to dredge up "extra" ammunition from the past that is either irrelevant or at best, loosely related to the topic at hand. Most probably, if issues from the past do surface, they have not yet been resolved. So at that point, which issues become the topic of the conversation?
Also understand that RESOLUTION is the goal - not agreement. Resolution may be as simple as, " We agree to disagree, " or "We'll speak again on this topic." Be prepared to walk away when resolution is possible rather than insisting on agreement. This increases the likelihood that agreement will follow at a later date. If you close the conversation prior to escalating emotions over the NEED for agreement, you set the tone for further discussions rather than slamming the door behind you. Remember emotional connection fosters the further development of trust and respect.
Therefore, keep your conversations on point. Keep in mind that the primary goal of any discussion is advanced insight and emotional connectivity. Consider whether the goal is resolution or agreement. View every discussion for its positive potential rather than as an event that requires body armor to protect your emotional well being. The decision is yours.
While I am a licensed clinical psychologist, these are my personal reflections and do not constitute individualized clinical advice. If you are seeking personal advice, please consult a licensed professional in your area.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Adolescent Suicide
As a parent of adolescents, nothing sends chills up my spine more than the thought of my own child taking his life. As parents, it is important to note that suicide is the second leading cause of death among teens after accidents. These figures are misleading because many accidents can also be successfully hidden suicides. Among teens, the most popular method of committing suicide is through the use of handguns. If personal firearms are present in your home environment, always remember to keep them locked and the ammunition stored in another secure location.
Some teens are more likely to commit suicide than others. What factors put your adolescent at risk? The most significant risk factor is some form of substance use such as alcohol and/or drugs. Excessive dieting or binge eating (consuming large quantities of food and then vomiting the stomach's contents) also increases your teens odds of suicide risk. More easily identifiable behaviors include: isolating - a desire to stay in their room coupled with decreased social contact with friends or relatives, and a decreased interest in hobbies or activities they once found enjoyable. Other behaviors include an increased sense of hopelessness and great despair about tomorrow. This may be acted out as school truancy, increased sleep, or poor personal hygiene. This may also include reckless driving and/or neglecting to fasten their seat belt. Another good indicator of your teen's emotional state can be the lyrics to their favorite songs - what message are they conveying to the listener? Finally, teens that have a family history of suicide are at a twofold greater risk of committing suicide than teens that have no family history of suicide.
As parents, what types of behaviors do we need to look out for that may indicate that our adolescent may be contemplating taking their own life? Statements like, "Why bother, I want to die, I wish I were dead, or there will never be a tomorrow" are very strong clues that your child may be extremely depressed and may be considering suicide. If your teen gives away their prized possessions for no apparent reason or talks about "When I'm gone" is another red flag that requires immediate intervention.
Is there anything besides becoming a watchdog that a parent can do to decrease the likelihood of suicide? Most certainly! Remember to love your child and let them know by your words and most importantly your actions, that you love them despite their changing bodies, their mood swings, and their growing independence. Don't make your love conditional, meaning, "I'll love you if you...(fill in the blank - do the dishes, mow the yard, take out the nose ring, remove the green dye from your hair)." Teens need to know that you will love them despite their apparent flaws. They need to feel worthwhile, that what they do matters to you. Remember rejoicing when they took their first steps or made potty in the potty chair? This same enthusiasm needs to be transferred to trying out for drill team or band, not necessarily making the cut. In other words, reward the effort not the end result. As your teen's parent, you are their most loyal fan and able advocate. If any of the risk factors or behavioral indicators sound familiar, seek out a licensed psychologist and request a consultation. Your child may express reluctance or outright refusal, but once they feel better, they will thank you for your concern.
Some teens are more likely to commit suicide than others. What factors put your adolescent at risk? The most significant risk factor is some form of substance use such as alcohol and/or drugs. Excessive dieting or binge eating (consuming large quantities of food and then vomiting the stomach's contents) also increases your teens odds of suicide risk. More easily identifiable behaviors include: isolating - a desire to stay in their room coupled with decreased social contact with friends or relatives, and a decreased interest in hobbies or activities they once found enjoyable. Other behaviors include an increased sense of hopelessness and great despair about tomorrow. This may be acted out as school truancy, increased sleep, or poor personal hygiene. This may also include reckless driving and/or neglecting to fasten their seat belt. Another good indicator of your teen's emotional state can be the lyrics to their favorite songs - what message are they conveying to the listener? Finally, teens that have a family history of suicide are at a twofold greater risk of committing suicide than teens that have no family history of suicide.
As parents, what types of behaviors do we need to look out for that may indicate that our adolescent may be contemplating taking their own life? Statements like, "Why bother, I want to die, I wish I were dead, or there will never be a tomorrow" are very strong clues that your child may be extremely depressed and may be considering suicide. If your teen gives away their prized possessions for no apparent reason or talks about "When I'm gone" is another red flag that requires immediate intervention.
Is there anything besides becoming a watchdog that a parent can do to decrease the likelihood of suicide? Most certainly! Remember to love your child and let them know by your words and most importantly your actions, that you love them despite their changing bodies, their mood swings, and their growing independence. Don't make your love conditional, meaning, "I'll love you if you...(fill in the blank - do the dishes, mow the yard, take out the nose ring, remove the green dye from your hair)." Teens need to know that you will love them despite their apparent flaws. They need to feel worthwhile, that what they do matters to you. Remember rejoicing when they took their first steps or made potty in the potty chair? This same enthusiasm needs to be transferred to trying out for drill team or band, not necessarily making the cut. In other words, reward the effort not the end result. As your teen's parent, you are their most loyal fan and able advocate. If any of the risk factors or behavioral indicators sound familiar, seek out a licensed psychologist and request a consultation. Your child may express reluctance or outright refusal, but once they feel better, they will thank you for your concern.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)