Is Dating a Game?

Relationship success has become a high stakes industry. This industry represents a diversity of professionals yet it lacks specific criteria for education, professional conduct and personal experience. All forms of media, coaches and experts alike believe they found the solutions to your loneliness. There are numerous television shows whose entire focus is matchmaking: for millionaires, bachelors and bachelorettes. Love happens while surviving on an island in the South Pacific, as well as racing across the globe and even while competing in a fierce battle to lose weight and become healthy. Viewers are left wondering why their quest for a mate is so difficult when it seems so easy on television.

That raises an important question and the basis of this post: Is dating a game? If so, are there specific rules and winners and losers? Are relationships games as well? If not, how do they differ?

If the goal is meeting your soul mate, then dating presents a platform to discover potential partners. Assuming that both individuals share this common goal, often the approach is more deliberate than casual dating. So what are the parameters of a deliberate approach? Are there secrets that once revealed will minimize the heartache that results from incompatibility? Are there really systematic processes that, if followed, will guarantee a proposal within a year of dating? 

Let’s begin with a brief synopsis of the self-help section on dating/relationships. Here is where many singles begin their search for answers. A quick survey reveals two themes among male authors: instructing women how to catch a man (is that similar to catching a fish?) or a more serious topic of what qualities identify a woman as a keeper (sorry, another fishing metaphor). There are so many conflicting suggestions! “Why Men Marry B*#&*$@” and apparently, why they also fall in love with them. Then there are books/podcasts/videos written by self-proclaimed bad boys serving as both a warning and an enticement. After following the steps (aka traps) and attending a very pricey seminar, you too will catch your own bad boy and ride off into the sunset on his chopper. Finally, there are the male relationship coaches turned authors, who claim that there are essentially three qualities that you must possess for a man to commit to you (i.e., “you become a keeper”). Really? It only takes a year subscription and a few seminars to suddenly possess these qualities? If only it was that simple!

Next is a category for women by women. I will make a very simplified distinction of subsets within this category: (1) Love yourself the way you are and love magically follows; (2) Change yourself (diet, exercise, plastic surgery) then love magically follows; and (3) Commit based purely upon his assets and/or potential access to those assets and who cares if love follows. The operative word in the first two subsets is magically. While love may feel magical, it is not magically bestowed upon you; dating is relationship building and that involves compromise and a personal commitment to growth. If it were a simple process this industry would not enjoy such success!

Are all of these how to strategies without merit? Absolutely not! Many of them make solid points but lose their validity by overpromising success. As a consumer, I would be very wary of taking relationship advice from a professional who has not yet experienced a successful relationship. That being said, I have not found one source that provides a comprehensive strategy that I would endorse in my practice. Why? Quite simply, one size does not fit all. 

Again, dating and relationships are not without challenges! They were not simple as teenagers and they certainly become more complicated as we re-emerge as adults. Unresolved pain we carry into a new dating experience and/or potential relationship increases the likelihood of disappointment and eventual heartache. No book, video or podcast can guide you through the process of self-awareness and eventual healing. That is a process that requires commitment and consistent effort. 

Equally relevant is the faulty belief that we are “perfect” and the right mate will recognize that. I agree that the essence of our personalities needs to be appreciated! But make no mistake: acknowledging that we have much to offer a potential mate does not constitute a free pass to forego ongoing improvement and maintenance of our intellect, our emotional stability, our appearance, our social skills and our overall health. The laws of attraction assert that interesting individuals attract interesting individuals! 

My original question was whether dating is a game. It very well may be if that is your choice. Base your decision on an honest evaluation of your motives. If you then choose to view dating as a game, seeking advice from experts who attempt to positively impact your relationship potential would be an unproductive endeavor.

However, if you are seriously seeking a relationship and have not been able to connect, here are a few suggestions: (1) Consider stepping away from the dating scene for a while; (2) Get into a professional relationship with a psychologist and explore your emotional barriers. Heal from your past relationships. Bolster your self-confidence by getting to know yourself better; (3) Give the self-help materials a well-deserved break. At some point they become overwhelming! (4) Get healthy: try a new sport or hobby because it interests you; and (5) Learn to feel comfortable being alone: Once you like that person, others will be drawn to you as well. 

From my perspective, dating can be fun without making it a game. While love is never a game, the journey needs to be fun! Listen to your heart, do the work to make yourself the best possible you, consider it an adventure rather than your life's mission, and never give up hope!