The Trap of Perfection

In my opinion, perfection is highly overrated.  It assumes that a comparison must be made of someone or something – a personal value judgment.  Perfection also implies a judgment of ultimate success or ultimate failure.  Take a moment and define perfection. Does your definition include both positive and negative descriptors (ex. what is and is NOT perfect)? There are many downsides when perfection becomes the goal!   Frequently these downsides are not in our conscious awareness.  This post will explore some of the potentially hidden pitfalls in the quest for perfection and the negative effects they can have on our self-worth and happiness.

The quest to either become perfect or secure the perfect mate, career, physique or even golf swing can be a solitary process.  Often the sheer dedication and focus required in pursuit of perfection promotes isolation. Perfecting any specialized technique, whether it is a three-point shot or a pirouette often demands hours of focused activity.  The sacrifice is social connectedness. Frequently outsiders represent distraction rather than support.   If you happen to be shy or a bit insecure, it is a great way to justify why you need to remain alone. 

The obvious downside to this cover-up is that as an individual you deny yourself the opportunity to challenge your fears or insecurities.  For instance, overcoming shyness or timidity requires practice in various social situations. Isolating to perfect you obviously limits opportunities to develop social confidence.  So what happens when an individual believes they have perfected whatever technique they set out to master? Self-confidence often rises!  However, confidence does not always erase social insecurity and it also does not generate instant friendships. Why?  While focusing on the process of perfection, little if any energy was spent either in creating new or nourishing existing friendships.  So when seeking to celebrate their new found confidence and their perfect technique, this individual may unfortunately remain a party of one. 

The second downside to this particular cover-up is once again based on a relative value judgment.  If you are engaged in the solitary pursuit of perfection, how do you know whether your idea of perfect aligns with someone else’s?  Observing the behaviors of similarly talented individuals can be a great comparative tool, but when do you incorporate outsiders into your quest? Sooner than later would be ideal!  An individual may have attained their personal best, yet may not be able to compete among an equally talented peer group.  This could be a two-fold blow to self-confidence with the realization that: (1) your personal best was not regarded as perfect and (2) the time spent in isolation did not produce the anticipated benefits (acceptance, happiness or popularity).  For example, while you may now have a perfect physique, the attention you imagined you’d receive is not happening in the real world.  The result may be disillusionment and bitterness.  Neither of those energies attracts the type of positive attention you imagined, and again you remain alone.

In the context of personal relationships, seeking perfection may cleverly mask deeper commitment issues.  There is a vast difference between holding fast to personal standards and finding fault with every potential mate while “holding out” for Mr. or Ms. Perfect.  If you find that no one ever measures up: (1) your standards for perfection may be unrealistic; (2) you may be over-estimating your own personal value; or (3) you are unwilling to commit, period. Perfectionists impose far too many rules on themselves and these rules unfortunately spill over onto others.  Rarely will anyone live up to the perfectionist’s fantasy of possibilities. 

One of the many faulty assumptions of perfectionism is that if an individual obeys the rules, then they deserve the long awaited reward (happiness, marriage, wealth, success). Often despite securing the perfect mate or job they are dissatisfied and only marginally happy.  How can this be? The simple answer is that reality rarely measures up to our fantasies.  Perfection is a product of our imagination, our personal beliefs and the norms we learned within our families. It is colored by our personal life experiences and therefore no two definitions are exactly alike. 

The obvious impact of this cover-up is self-imposed chronic isolation!  It can also create a pseudo superiority that masks either an individual’s fear of commitment or simply a lack of desire to commit to anyone.  In both instances the potential mate has been set up for failure – missing the mark of perfection. This is a lose-lose proposition: (1) the self-esteem of the potential mate takes a hit based upon the perceived rejection, and (2) the perfectionist is allowed to avoid taking responsibility for their own commitment issues while focusing on the flaws of the potential mate.  In time, this emotional manipulation may be disguised as a quest for perfection.  

So far we have seen that the pursuit of perfection often backfires and may actually result in a decline in self-esteem, limit potential happiness and promote social isolation.  Yet when many individuals set out to perfect some aspect of themselves, they expect to feel quite the opposite – bountiful happiness, increased confidence and social acceptance.  As adults we are capable of challenging this faulty thinking with the guidance of a mental health professional.  What about our children?

Examine how you may be perpetuating the misguided notion that perfection is the only valuable performance goal.  Reduce the frequency of your use of the word perfect.  How many events, behaviors, grades and performances can be perfect?  Again, overuse of this term sets up unrealistic expectations for our children!  It can actually negate the small victories that drive sustained motivation towards the bigger goal.  It also may lead to a rigidly structured life that over-emphasizes the value of delayed gratification and cements a pattern of chronic disappointment when the rewards are finally granted.  Protect your children from these unnecessary assaults to their self-esteem. Teach them to celebrate each step that is completed towards the larger goal. Reinforce their uniqueness but refrain from idolizing them as perfect.

I believe that our goal both as adults and parents needs to be balance – strive to give your personal best and create meaningful relationships.  Also develop a conscious awareness and acceptance of your vulnerabilities without judging them.  That is a much more attainable goal than the illusion of perfection!