The Power of Should

Do you find yourself engaged in an internal dialogue that sounds something like: “I should (fill in the blank)?” If so, is your should list accomplished to your satisfaction, or is it a combination of years of seemingly important actions that have yet to take place?

The self-talk attached to feeling unable to accomplish the things we feel we should be able to accomplish is a direct assault on our self-esteem. Why? Simply stated, because as children we were taught right from wrong, in other words, what we should or should not do. Often, the bulk of these “shoulds" were NOT a source of debate - but an expectation. Failure and/or undesirable consequences were often connected with our inability to follow these rules. These rules of conduct were internalized by our psyches as an integral component in the formation of our conscience.

To become an emotionally mature and independent individual we need to identify the shoulds in our lives, question their ongoing applicability to our current life and either discard them as archaic, or “own” them as a component of our adult identity.

To discard or own… THAT is the question. An approach that has proven successful in my practice has been a three-prong approach of identification, challenge, and then rewording the core belief if applicable. Begin by keeping a running list of the shoulds that you either articulate to others or keep batting about within your mind. Step two is to challenge each line item with why should I? For instance if one of your shoulds is: “ I should make my bed every morning.” Ask yourself why should I make my bed every morning? If the answer is this is not my priority, then discard that should. If you do believe making your bed is important, then drop the should mandate and replace it with either need or want. Both of these words reinforce not only ownership, but also priority.

Ultimately what you have accomplished in this process is another aspect of individuating – taking responsibility for your actions not because you were told to but because you made a conscious choice as an adult. You can expect that your resolutions will have greater traction because they are yours rather than someone else’s that should be your priority.

This concept is also very applicable in the professional arena. How about your conversations with your direct reports, your fellow managers, and your peers? Do you find yourself telling them what they should do? Are their responses positive and proactive? How is this approach working for you?

Should is a word that is laced with undertones of incompetence and judgment. To the receiver of the should it can be seen either as a challenge to exceed expectations to prove competence or rebellion to reinforce personal autonomy. This one word may inadvertently push buttons from childhood in the recipient that actually promotes dissension not motivation. If ownership and buy-in is your goal, try substituting should with need and/or want. Notice if there is a shift in morale and higher productivity. I predict that you will optimize your ability to inspire a sense of renewed commitment and cooperation that will improve your bottom-line.

These steps in taking ownership of your shoulds may appear to be quick and easy - but execution is sometimes complicated by your early life experiences. If you feel challenged by this transition, reach out to a licensed psychologist for assistance rather than continuing to tell yourself: “I SHOULD BE ABLE TO CHANGE ON MY OWN.”