Great Changes Are Happening In My Life...So Where's My Mojo?

One of the most frequently asked questions in my practice centers around the notion that a positive life transition must be continually met with happiness and enthusiasm. This is an interesting phenomenon that deserves some clarification.

The media often portrays only the positive emotions related to major life transitions such as pursuing a degree, leaving our parent’s home as a young adult, receiving that much anticipated promotion or corner office, marriage and even retirement. There is often the inference that if you are not feeling similarly then you must lack self-confidence, charisma or even worse, must be suffering from depression. Why? because dichotomous thoughts and feelings don’t sell the new wardrobe, the prestigious vehicle, or the sexy vacation that a major life transition promises to afford.

What is seldom discussed is that all change requires not only our bodies but our psyches time to recalibrate. The equilibrium of what was “normal” is temporarily thrown off course. The stress attached to recalibration may cause our immune systems to weaken and despite proper self care target us for minor colds and flus precisely when we often feel motivated to “go the distance.”

Our psyches (thoughts and feelings) must also find a new set point. Regardless of the positive nature of the change, there is loss. Why? Our sense of the predictability of our world is temporarily thrown into a spin cycle. One change in our routines often brings a cascade effect of other unimagined changes. We need to redefine, sometimes in a major way, sometimes in a minor way, our new “normal.” We require time to grieve the losses that accompany this marvelous change. It is okay and even necessary to reconsider our choice, feel less confident and possibly more anxious for a reasonable amount of time. If there are many changes that result from a career change for instance, the longer it may take to regain a true sense of confidence and excitement.

In this instance grief does not equal depression. If a person denies this temporary internal conflict between thoughts, feelings, and motivation it may possibly manifest down the road as depression. That is why it is important to recognize and label these feelings as grief and this transition as a recalibration. Unfortunately, high achievers often just push themselves harder, longer and faster when this is an appropriate time to conserve your resources and allow yourself some time to grieve the chapters that have closed in anticipation of new beginnings.

If those around you are merely focused on the positive potential of your change, it may be a wise investment of your time and resources to seek some professional guidance to effectively work through the recalibration phase. This is one instance when proactive intervention can make the difference between grief as a reaction to life versus grief that left unattended morphs into depression.