When the Child Becomes the Parent - Part II

Yesterday we began to explore the transition of the adult child as they become the parent to their aging parents.  Today we will continue to explore this transition as it relates to our emotions. I will conclude with some suggestions for self care.

So what about your emotions?  Depending upon the circumstances regarding your parents’ decline, feelings are subjugated to the rational thought required to orchestrate their care. Feelings associated with strength, security, wisdom and parental selflessness that remained unchallenged are forever disrupted precisely when that very support would be most welcomed. In those moments we are required to display those attributes, not in relation to our biological children (we have grown into those roles), but rather for our newly adopted children embodied as our parents!

This situation frequently engenders profound feelings of loss, heightened anxiety regarding our ability to face this impending doom, abandonment, outrage, and helplessness.  No wonder the seemingly easiest path is to deny our feelings and remain focused on the details.  Following the denial path may cause those repressed feelings to manifest as a weakened immune system, as well as a myriad of very real physical complaints. The other possibility is to play out this fear and anger on our parents with lowered frustration tolerance, withdrawal of visits and emotional distancing. 

Our emotional balance must be recalibrated.  That takes time as well as conscious intent, often when we are merely existing rather than living.  If we are aware of our feelings, it may be terrifying to feel the anxiety of anticipatory grief especially when death is not yet imminent.  It is also a struggle between gratefully assuming this new responsibility and needing them to snap out of it and once again take care of you. 

Becoming the parent to our parents is not always as dire as it may seem.  If your parent’s decline is without major crises, there is an opportunity to assume the role with at least their partial approval and perhaps even the full appreciation of your parent.  There is also time to address important emotional issues that may need to be resolved in preparation for their passing.  If your relationship has been solid, there is an opportunity to experience your parent’s fragility and helplessness with the confidence that you will now be their source of security and display your selflessness on their behalf.  They actually have the opportunity to witness the legacy they have spent their lives creating and nurturing come to fruition. 

This is one of those times in life that ongoing professional consultation and/or therapy prove to be an invaluable investment.  Our core beliefs and feelings have been shattered at a time when we must perform consistently and engage effectively.  We are confronted not only with our parents’ mortality but ours as well - in a real and undeniable way.  If you have yet to experience this phenomenon in your life, understand that recognizing your vulnerability will ultimately give you the strength to seek support early in the process so that you can go the distance and become a richer, more improved version of your prior self.  If you have already been through this phenomenon I would challenge you to replay that experience and feel proud and confident that you completed yet another unanticipated stage of life under duress and to the best of your ability!