Perhaps your confusion is justified because timing is not the primary concern when determining the viability of your relationship. Isn’t the true question what are you holding onto? I believe a fundamental component of a healthy relationship is a shared vision. It personifies not only the couple’s identity but also their values. This post explores the dynamic quality of a shared vision as well as the deleterious effects if and when the vision ceases to be shared.
When two individuals become a couple they share a vision of how their relationship will be defined as well as its ultimate goal. These would include dreams, values, hopes and wishes as well as ground rules for behaviors such as fidelity and honesty. Mutual agreement constitutes the contract or code of conduct for the relationship. The most favorable approach would be to openly discuss expectations as well as boundaries early in the relationship. Failing to discuss expectations can lead to possibly erroneous assumptions that could later significantly jeopardize a potentially healthy relationship.
A shared vision is refined throughout the course of the relationship, but it must remain MUTUAL. Wise relationship maintenance involves periodically revisiting the current vision. If either person notices differences that did not previously exist, this may indicate at the very least a misinterpretation of the vision or, more significantly, a deviation in the level of investment. If a couple cannot reach a shared understanding as to a perceived change in their vision, then at that point it may be a wise investment of time and resources to speak to a trained professional. If either refuses…HUGE RED FLAG!
When there is a breakdown in the vision additional red flags may become evident. Often they serve as a mechanism to either avoid the reality of the difference, draw attention to the difference, or force a shown down.
Avoiding the reality of a differing vision is often observed in a marked change in communication patterns that illustrate a shift in priorities. The general theme is a move away from spontaneity and toward orchestration. Calls go to voice mail, text message replies are delayed and there may be more promises made but they are not realized. There may also be an increasing pattern of what I call “legitimate amnesia.” Significant events the couple once celebrated are either denied as being important or completely dismissed due to unavoidable professional, familial, recreational, or educational commitments. Often it is highlighted by an overall disinterest in compromise and seemingly a disregard for their partner’s feelings.
In reaction to these avoidant behaviors, the other partner may engage in behaviors that draw attention to their perception of a shift in the couple’s vision. If there has been a misinterpretation of the vision, this approach may be successful. However, if the avoidance was intentional, the likelihood for increasingly hostile responses from the avoidant partner is magnified; especially during conversations that may address these concerns. The scenario may look like this: Partner one repeats either the need to talk or weaves this observed difference in vision into benign conversations. Partner two accuses partner one of intentionally nagging, picking, or belittling. Partner two then limits interactions or, while engaging, becomes busy at the precise time a significant discussion begins. Partner one feels isolated, lonely and/or misunderstood.
By default, new guidelines for communication have been established. Range of acceptable topics may become narrower as well as less detailed. Emotion is not tolerated. Spontaneity and depth are replaced with superficiality and boredom. At this point in the relationship, the partner who is not content with fostering continued denial might levy ultimatums in a final attempt to draw attention to the severity of the state of the relationship and the deterioration of the shared vision.
The final straw may occur when either partner least expects it. Frequently it is over something trivial that has become the depository for ongoing pain and frustration. It isn’t about taking out the trash, or programming the sprinklers or feeding the pets. Know that these critical events rarely “come out of the blue.” This pattern of indirectly confronting difference or change is unhealthy. If this situation is not an isolated incident, seek out couple’s therapy. Do not assume that this is merely a communication issue! Most likely there are issues involving respect and power within this relationship that actually predate your relationship.
In conclusion, be willing to compromise regarding the details of your shared vision. Be considerate of your partner’s individuality in executing the vision. If there was a mutually stated goal of forever, exercise the tenacity to work out the details. Be willing to compromise and renegotiate the vision as long as your identity is not sacrificed in this process.
However, when it becomes clear to you as the partner that the vision has shifted, do not hesitate to initiate discussion and if indicated solicit professional support. If you are met with refusal or half hearted commitment, take action to prevent further heartache to both partners. It is virtually impossible to be the sole keeper of an obsolete shared vision and remain emotionally healthy! If you find yourself in this situation, have the courage to know that perhaps now is precisely when to fold ‘em.
No comments:
Post a Comment