Great Changes Are Happening In My Life...So Where's My Mojo?

One of the most frequently asked questions in my practice centers around the notion that a positive life transition must be continually met with happiness and enthusiasm. This is an interesting phenomenon that deserves some clarification.

The media often portrays only the positive emotions related to major life transitions such as pursuing a degree, leaving our parent’s home as a young adult, receiving that much anticipated promotion or corner office, marriage and even retirement. There is often the inference that if you are not feeling similarly then you must lack self-confidence, charisma or even worse, must be suffering from depression. Why? because dichotomous thoughts and feelings don’t sell the new wardrobe, the prestigious vehicle, or the sexy vacation that a major life transition promises to afford.

What is seldom discussed is that all change requires not only our bodies but our psyches time to recalibrate. The equilibrium of what was “normal” is temporarily thrown off course. The stress attached to recalibration may cause our immune systems to weaken and despite proper self care target us for minor colds and flus precisely when we often feel motivated to “go the distance.”

Our psyches (thoughts and feelings) must also find a new set point. Regardless of the positive nature of the change, there is loss. Why? Our sense of the predictability of our world is temporarily thrown into a spin cycle. One change in our routines often brings a cascade effect of other unimagined changes. We need to redefine, sometimes in a major way, sometimes in a minor way, our new “normal.” We require time to grieve the losses that accompany this marvelous change. It is okay and even necessary to reconsider our choice, feel less confident and possibly more anxious for a reasonable amount of time. If there are many changes that result from a career change for instance, the longer it may take to regain a true sense of confidence and excitement.

In this instance grief does not equal depression. If a person denies this temporary internal conflict between thoughts, feelings, and motivation it may possibly manifest down the road as depression. That is why it is important to recognize and label these feelings as grief and this transition as a recalibration. Unfortunately, high achievers often just push themselves harder, longer and faster when this is an appropriate time to conserve your resources and allow yourself some time to grieve the chapters that have closed in anticipation of new beginnings.

If those around you are merely focused on the positive potential of your change, it may be a wise investment of your time and resources to seek some professional guidance to effectively work through the recalibration phase. This is one instance when proactive intervention can make the difference between grief as a reaction to life versus grief that left unattended morphs into depression.

Adolescent Suicide

As a parent of adolescents, nothing sends chills up my spine more than the thought of my own child taking his life. As parents, it is important to note that suicide is the second leading cause of death among teens after accidents. These figures are misleading because many accidents can also be successfully hidden suicides. Among teens, the most popular method of committing suicide is through the use of handguns. If personal firearms are present in your home environment, always remember to keep them locked and the ammunition stored in another secure location.

Some teens are more likely to commit suicide than others. What factors put your adolescent at risk? The most significant risk factor is some form of substance use such as alcohol and/or drugs. Excessive dieting or binge eating (consuming large quantities of food and then vomiting the stomach's contents) also increases your teens odds of suicide risk. More easily identifiable behaviors include: isolating - a desire to stay in their room coupled with decreased social contact with friends or relatives, and a decreased interest in hobbies or activities they once found enjoyable. Other behaviors include an increased sense of hopelessness and great despair about tomorrow. This may be acted out as school truancy, increased sleep, or poor personal hygiene. This may also include reckless driving and/or neglecting to fasten their seat belt. Another good indicator of your teen's emotional state can be the lyrics to their favorite songs - what message are they conveying to the listener? Finally, teens that have a family history of suicide are at a twofold greater risk of committing suicide than teens that have no family history of suicide.

As parents, what types of behaviors do we need to look out for that may indicate that our adolescent may be contemplating taking their own life? Statements like, "Why bother, I want to die, I wish I were dead, or there will never be a tomorrow" are very strong clues that your child may be extremely depressed and may be considering suicide. If your teen gives away their prized possessions for no apparent reason or talks about "When I'm gone" is another red flag that requires immediate intervention.

Is there anything besides becoming a watchdog that a parent can do to decrease the likelihood of suicide? Most certainly! Remember to love your child and let them know by your words and most importantly your actions, that you love them despite their changing bodies, their mood swings, and their growing independence. Don't make your love conditional, meaning, "I'll love you if you...(fill in the blank - do the dishes, mow the yard, take out the nose ring, remove the green dye from your hair)." Teens need to know that you will love them despite their apparent flaws. They need to feel worthwhile, that what they do matters to you. Remember rejoicing when they took their first steps or made potty in the potty chair? This same enthusiasm needs to be transferred to trying out for drill team or band, not necessarily making the cut. In other words, reward the effort not the end result. As your teen's parent, you are their most loyal fan and able advocate. If any of the risk factors or behavioral indicators sound familiar, seek out a licensed psychologist and request a consultation. Your child may express reluctance or outright refusal, but once they feel better, they will thank you for your concern.