When a grown child returns to
the family home after attending college or pursuing their career, do they
return as “the child” or an emerging adult? Do their moms once again revert to
“mommy” or is their newly developed independence respected? Depending upon the expectations of both
parties, returning home for either the summer or post-graduation may be wrought
with unnecessary conflict.
Mom’s Conundrum:
All moms initially struggle
with the process of actually letting their child walk out the door. Feelings
are often dichotomous: pride and excitement that their “baby” is ready to
launch and sadness about the loss. Feelings of anxiety? That is
a prerequisite for motherhood and finely honed with each developmental
milestone their child experiences! Facing what often feels like the final
threshold of motherhood, the natural tendency is to tighten - if not securely
knot - those apron strings in an attempt to turn back time. It is
less about retaining power and more frequently about fearing abandonment! This grief is palpable and normal. Acclimating
to the empty nest is a process of rediscovering independence and redefining the
parameters of motherhood. Despite careful planning, entering this stage is challenging
and often extremely confusing and difficult.
Child’s Conundrum:
The emerging adult also
experiences a dichotomy of feelings as they climb into adulthood. Hopefully their
primary feeling is excitement fueled by the anticipation of independence - the drive
to separate from their mother is normal and healthy! Fear of the unknown and anxiety related to
the loss of their predictable security is also expected. Understand that for the emerging adult, the
journey of individuating occurs over years and is often not completed until the
death of their parents. How does the far
more independent and self-reliant emerging adult return home after completing a
year or more of college and continue to develop their independence? It is even developmentally appropriate to return
to a household where levels of accountability remain unchanged?
The Interaction Dilemma:
Under optimal circumstances,
both mother and child would be able to openly renegotiate house rules and
responsibilities. Since they both are on
parallel journeys of increasing independence, they could motivate and support
each other. This condition presents a wellspring of opportunity for mutual
appreciation and camaraderie.
Unfortunately, in my
practice, the less than ideal experience of conflict is often the case. Theoretically, the turmoil centers on role
confusion. The emerging adult returns
home to their favorite meals, built-in laundry service, full gas tanks and
often more free time than to which they’ve become accustomed. Mom initially delights in caregiving as she
temporarily rewinds the hands of time, often not missing a beat into the
all-encompassing role that once defined her as a “good” mother. The best of the
family dynamics are resurrected!
At some point, the honeymoon
ends and power struggles begin. Curfews, chores and seemingly arbitrary demands
are once again not well received by a now emerging adult. The independence once celebrated suddenly has
qualifications: do they assertively move
forward? Or relinquish their personal power and return to the marginally
obedient teen? Frequently another harsh
reality is that their dependency is real. They are not in a financial position to
assert total independence and that reality often erodes their confidence at a
time when it was building momentum! When
their mom reminds them of their dependency as an assertion of her power with
comments such as: “ When you live under MY roof, you obey MY rules,” the
likelihood of oppositional behavior returning is exponentially increased!
Ultimately the emerging adult is trapped in the very situation they once felt
compelled to leave.
Mothers are equally
confused. She grieved losing her baby
and often turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to the reality of their child’s
experiences in the world in order to sleep nights . Perhaps they
re-entered the workforce, pursued a passion or reconnected socially with
similarly situated empty nesters. The
daily demands of the household probably shifted in frequency. They may even have given up checking their
phones “just in case [the son/daughter] called.” Relationships of all varieties became more
spontaneous. Independence born by
default morphed into a fairly natural state of self-acceptance. Then their child returned home!
The struggle is often fueled
by an immense love that has been forced to be displayed in less intrusive
ways. So why wouldn’t the natural
inclination be to once again unleash it with gusto? Great for a while, but the
astute woman realizes somewhere between laundry and meal prep that perhaps this
part of motherhood was not all that enjoyable.
Add the guilt attached to this realization as well as guilt attached to
forfeiting some if not all of her social spontaneity and the seeds of her discontent
also resurface! Frequently moms don’t
realize just how tightly they secured their apron strings and attempted to
force compliance in rather arbitrary ways: it rarely worked when her child was
a teen - what makes her think it will
work now? Moms are also painfully well
aware that eventually their emerging adult will once again take flight. Attempting to ease the anxiety attached to
this event, they either potentially smother their child while they have them or
reinforce the notion of dependency to somehow diminish this possibility.
The question remains: can your
child really come home again? In part
two of this post I will provide some suggestions that may ease the impact of
this seemingly temporary derailment in mutual growth. Hopefully you will be able to draw your own
conclusions as to its probability!
