Can Your Child Really Come Home Again?

When a grown child returns to the family home after attending college or pursuing their career, do they return as “the child” or an emerging adult? Do their moms once again revert to “mommy” or is their newly developed independence respected?  Depending upon the expectations of both parties, returning home for either the summer or post-graduation may be wrought with unnecessary conflict.

Mom’s Conundrum:

All moms initially struggle with the process of actually letting their child walk out the door. Feelings are often dichotomous: pride and excitement that their “baby” is ready to launch and sadness about the loss.  Feelings of anxiety?  That is a prerequisite for motherhood and finely honed with each developmental milestone their child experiences!  Facing what often feels like the final threshold of motherhood, the natural tendency is to tighten - if not securely knot - those apron strings in an attempt to turn back time.  It is less about retaining power and more frequently about fearing abandonment!  This grief is palpable and normal. Acclimating to the empty nest is a process of rediscovering independence and redefining the parameters of motherhood. Despite careful planning, entering this stage is challenging and often extremely confusing and difficult.

Child’s Conundrum:

The emerging adult also experiences a dichotomy of feelings as they climb into adulthood. Hopefully their primary feeling is excitement fueled by the anticipation of independence - the drive to separate from their mother is normal and healthy!  Fear of the unknown and anxiety related to the loss of their predictable security is also expected.  Understand that for the emerging adult, the journey of individuating occurs over years and is often not completed until the death of their parents. How does the far more independent and self-reliant emerging adult return home after completing a year or more of college and continue to develop their independence?  It is even developmentally appropriate to return to a household where levels of accountability remain unchanged?  

The Interaction Dilemma:

Under optimal circumstances, both mother and child would be able to openly renegotiate house rules and responsibilities.  Since they both are on parallel journeys of increasing independence, they could motivate and support each other. This condition presents a wellspring of opportunity for mutual appreciation and camaraderie.

Unfortunately, in my practice, the less than ideal experience of conflict is often the case.  Theoretically, the turmoil centers on role confusion.  The emerging adult returns home to their favorite meals, built-in laundry service, full gas tanks and often more free time than to which they’ve become accustomed.  Mom initially delights in caregiving as she temporarily rewinds the hands of time, often not missing a beat into the all-encompassing role that once defined her as a “good” mother. The best of the family dynamics are resurrected! 

At some point, the honeymoon ends and power struggles begin. Curfews, chores and seemingly arbitrary demands are once again not well received by a now emerging adult.  The independence once celebrated suddenly has qualifications:  do they assertively move forward? Or relinquish their personal power and return to the marginally obedient teen?  Frequently another harsh reality is that their dependency is real.  They are not in a financial position to assert total independence and that reality often erodes their confidence at a time when it was building momentum!  When their mom reminds them of their dependency as an assertion of her power with comments such as: “ When you live under MY roof, you obey MY rules,” the likelihood of oppositional behavior returning is exponentially increased! Ultimately the emerging adult is trapped in the very situation they once felt compelled to leave.

Mothers are equally confused.  She grieved losing her baby and often turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to the reality of their child’s experiences in the world in order to sleep nights .  Perhaps they re-entered the workforce, pursued a passion or reconnected socially with similarly situated empty nesters.  The daily demands of the household probably shifted in frequency.  They may even have given up checking their phones “just in case [the son/daughter] called.”  Relationships of all varieties became more spontaneous.  Independence born by default morphed into a fairly natural state of self-acceptance.  Then their child returned home! 

The struggle is often fueled by an immense love that has been forced to be displayed in less intrusive ways.  So why wouldn’t the natural inclination be to once again unleash it with gusto? Great for a while, but the astute woman realizes somewhere between laundry and meal prep that perhaps this part of motherhood was not all that enjoyable.  Add the guilt attached to this realization as well as guilt attached to forfeiting some if not all of her social spontaneity and the seeds of her discontent also resurface!  Frequently moms don’t realize just how tightly they secured their apron strings and attempted to force compliance in rather arbitrary ways: it rarely worked when her child was a teen  - what makes her think it will work now?  Moms are also painfully well aware that eventually their emerging adult will once again take flight. Attempting to ease the anxiety attached to this event, they either potentially smother their child while they have them or reinforce the notion of dependency to somehow diminish this possibility.

The question remains: can your child really come home again?  In part two of this post I will provide some suggestions that may ease the impact of this seemingly temporary derailment in mutual growth.  Hopefully you will be able to draw your own conclusions as to its probability!

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