Can Your Child Really Come Home Again - Part II

Have you drawn your own conclusions?  Hopefully if you were firmly entrenched in your position prior to reading this post, you now see that there are two equally valid positions on this topic! The most important take away from Part One is realizing that our purest motivations (love and connection) can be painfully misinterpreted when our actions and reactions are driven by fear of loss.  Many people are able to understand that principle regarding our mates, less so with our children.  Therein lies the challenge.

Suggestions for Moms:

If we desire to nourish a healthy relationship with our emerging adult, as a mom it is imperative that we personally acknowledge life’s reality: our child is becoming an adult! The same rules of engagement (respect, consideration, compromise, and cooperation) to which we adhere when interacting with our peers must also be extended to our nearly adult child.   A second important mindset that was never really healthy, but now must be discarded is the notion that our child’s behavior and success/failure is a direct reflection of our value as a parent.  To continue to adopt this belief recreates a significantly toxic environment that not only smothers potential (both yours and your child’s) but also signals to your child that you will not tolerate their emerging independence.  In this case the underlying message the mother sends to her child is: to love me is to become me – the antithesis of individuation!  The emerging adult MUST leave, become disingenuous or regress.  None of these options are tolerable.  

Holding onto this correlation: If independent (emergent adult) then abandonment (mother) is a fear that developed long before the birth of your child.  The reality is that when independence is respected, the likelihood of increased connection is exponentially increased! If your love for your child has not historically been conditional, why would your child now love you conditionally?  In other words, realize that when your child left you did not stop loving him/her, so why would your child stop loving you?  If you have come to realize that your love was conditional apologize and simply stop loving based upon what you expect to receive in return!  For love to be genuine, it must be freely given! It is time to have confidence in yourself and your child.  If you continue to react assuaging your fear of abandonment you PUSH them away!  

Knowing that your child will eventually leave you, do not forego your newly crafted life.  The connections you have formed at a time when you felt so confused and vulnerable need to be nourished.  They will continue to support you when your child again takes flight, therefore, do not take them for granted!  Remember how it feels to sense abandonment so don’t do it to your children. 

Suggestions for the Emerging Adult:

Hopefully you now better understand the multiple challenges your mother continues to face in an attempt to appropriately channel her love and affection for you. You must not manipulate the situation.  Do your best not to send mixed messages!  If you want your independence to be respected demonstrate that you are less self-centered: do your own laundry, express appreciation for her home cooked meals and at least occasionally fill her gas tank!  Display your love for her and reinforce that her place in your heart is not negotiable.  Compliment the growth you’ve seen in her and genuinely convey your desire to understand her experience of letting you go. Be neither afraid of her tears nor assume that they are tears of sadness!  She wiped your countless tears throughout the years, now you repay the favor!  Realize that she mustered the courage to let you go and she also created a new life for herself.

Assume a healthy leadership role.  Initiate conversations, suggest new approaches to more equitably divide household labor, and inject humor rather than criticism.  Display assertiveness rather than aggressiveness! The most powerful expression of maturity is through your actions.  Rather than demand respect, demonstrate that you deserve it and likewise are willing to give it, especially if historically you withheld it!

Suggestions for Interactions:

As a family unit, talk constructively, display effort, and an authentic willingness to compromise and collaborate.  Restate your mutual commitment.  Most importantly, understand that both of you are sharing a parallel journey. Everyday will not be a home run, in fact you may consecutively strike out.  The only loss would be allowing your occasional frustration with the process to overshadow your ultimate goal of a transformed connection.  Also understand that with time fears of abandonment diminish, distance becomes irrelevant and the cherished grandchild will eventually supersede even this most primal relationship!!