Many emerging adults ages 16-24 are anxious and confused yet feel isolated in their suffering. Anxiety attached to feeling confused has become the dirty little secret that replaced emergent sexuality and underage drinking of generations past. Who fits this profile? This post explains that confusion is an essential element of this life stage that functions as a catalyst for growth. Therefore, it is the anxiety attached to feeling confused rather than the confusion itself that actually inhibits this process of healthy development.
The young adults of whom I speak are often very accomplished, having been groomed since elementary school to excel in at least one sport, a fine art and boasting stellar academic records replete with the maximum possible number of Advanced Placements units. Many have equally impressive records of community service, maintain full social calendars and are considered Ivy League college candidates.
A difference emerges among these candidates with respect to their parents. In one camp are young adults walking in the footsteps of their professional parents; in another are young adults carrying the added burden of setting a new standard for their families when it comes to academic and intellectual achievement.
Parents are not the singular force behind creating young adults who feel enormous pressure to embrace what lies before them. Certainly the practice of creating a resume has been either initiated or reinforced by well-intentioned educators and guidance counselors. These are cultural norms developed by adults who want to streamline the process for their children. Yet most adults can recall key missteps that created for them significant opportunity. Why deny the next generation this life experience?
Erik Erikson, an infamous psychological scholar identified eight psychosocial life stages that form a healthy personality. Two salient stages in this discussion are Identity versus Role Confusion (ages 13-18) and Intimacy versus Isolation (ages 18-40ish). These stages have specific expectations for growth: exploring who we are and what we believe and then branching out and connecting deeply with a mate or through significant friendships. My clients appreciate knowing that what they are feeling has been identified as healthy in Erikson’s theory.
Many of my young adult clients feel significant amounts of anxiety when the path that heretofore was finely crafted becomes an anchor cementing them to the past. They have often discovered a passion that better fits who they have become. Frequently they need to change majors, or perhaps transfer to a completely different academic institution. Socially, they may feel less connected to their established circle of friends who may have not questioned their path and are seemingly content. As a result, they either become isolated or assume the façade that life is great. One path is active isolation, the other - equally damaging - is emotional detachment.
How do young adults admit to their parents that they may feel confused and/or that they have deviated from the course they jointly crafted? Some young adults avoid the topic; others sabotage themselves by failing; some become physically ill in anticipation of the backlash; and a few, especially if they are rounding out the developmental stage of Identity versus Role Confusion, confidently lay their cards out on the table. The act of exposing their situation is of great value in establishing their identity and autonomy. Parents, on the other hand, often call my office and accuse me of undermining their authority!
My suggestions to the young adults are two-fold. Rejoice in your confusion because how would you arrive at certainty without it? Understand that it is a component of a vital developmental stage. Also understand that remaining confused is equally as detrimental as following a preordained path that doesn’t fit! You will not magically arrive at the next stage of your journey. You must stay actively engaged in the process of not only exploring options, but also trying them on for size! That feeling is better labeled excitement, rather than anxiety generated from dread or boredom! My second suggestion is to break the silence with your peers! That is how your relationships transcend the superficial and become significant – your next developmental challenge.
Allow your parents the opportunity to understand the underpinnings of your angst. It is unfair to blame and dump your anxiety and anger in their laps and then smugly walk away. Engage in many conversations through SKYPE if you are away at school or face-to-face if you are local. This conversation would not ideally be had over the phone or through email. Engaging in self-sabotage through failing, illness and/or avoidance diminishes the credibility of your assertion to pursue your chosen path. Parents want their children to be happy and successful. Extend to them some time to shift gears and embrace your journey. In the meantime, continue to address your anxiety through self-care (diet, exercise, & adequate sleep), doing the difficult work in therapy and nourishing your friendships. You ultimately are responsible for your life choices so honor the process!
The young adults of whom I speak are often very accomplished, having been groomed since elementary school to excel in at least one sport, a fine art and boasting stellar academic records replete with the maximum possible number of Advanced Placements units. Many have equally impressive records of community service, maintain full social calendars and are considered Ivy League college candidates.
A difference emerges among these candidates with respect to their parents. In one camp are young adults walking in the footsteps of their professional parents; in another are young adults carrying the added burden of setting a new standard for their families when it comes to academic and intellectual achievement.
Parents are not the singular force behind creating young adults who feel enormous pressure to embrace what lies before them. Certainly the practice of creating a resume has been either initiated or reinforced by well-intentioned educators and guidance counselors. These are cultural norms developed by adults who want to streamline the process for their children. Yet most adults can recall key missteps that created for them significant opportunity. Why deny the next generation this life experience?
Erik Erikson, an infamous psychological scholar identified eight psychosocial life stages that form a healthy personality. Two salient stages in this discussion are Identity versus Role Confusion (ages 13-18) and Intimacy versus Isolation (ages 18-40ish). These stages have specific expectations for growth: exploring who we are and what we believe and then branching out and connecting deeply with a mate or through significant friendships. My clients appreciate knowing that what they are feeling has been identified as healthy in Erikson’s theory.
Many of my young adult clients feel significant amounts of anxiety when the path that heretofore was finely crafted becomes an anchor cementing them to the past. They have often discovered a passion that better fits who they have become. Frequently they need to change majors, or perhaps transfer to a completely different academic institution. Socially, they may feel less connected to their established circle of friends who may have not questioned their path and are seemingly content. As a result, they either become isolated or assume the façade that life is great. One path is active isolation, the other - equally damaging - is emotional detachment.
How do young adults admit to their parents that they may feel confused and/or that they have deviated from the course they jointly crafted? Some young adults avoid the topic; others sabotage themselves by failing; some become physically ill in anticipation of the backlash; and a few, especially if they are rounding out the developmental stage of Identity versus Role Confusion, confidently lay their cards out on the table. The act of exposing their situation is of great value in establishing their identity and autonomy. Parents, on the other hand, often call my office and accuse me of undermining their authority!
My suggestions to the young adults are two-fold. Rejoice in your confusion because how would you arrive at certainty without it? Understand that it is a component of a vital developmental stage. Also understand that remaining confused is equally as detrimental as following a preordained path that doesn’t fit! You will not magically arrive at the next stage of your journey. You must stay actively engaged in the process of not only exploring options, but also trying them on for size! That feeling is better labeled excitement, rather than anxiety generated from dread or boredom! My second suggestion is to break the silence with your peers! That is how your relationships transcend the superficial and become significant – your next developmental challenge.
Allow your parents the opportunity to understand the underpinnings of your angst. It is unfair to blame and dump your anxiety and anger in their laps and then smugly walk away. Engage in many conversations through SKYPE if you are away at school or face-to-face if you are local. This conversation would not ideally be had over the phone or through email. Engaging in self-sabotage through failing, illness and/or avoidance diminishes the credibility of your assertion to pursue your chosen path. Parents want their children to be happy and successful. Extend to them some time to shift gears and embrace your journey. In the meantime, continue to address your anxiety through self-care (diet, exercise, & adequate sleep), doing the difficult work in therapy and nourishing your friendships. You ultimately are responsible for your life choices so honor the process!
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